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Shadows Smack

2006 "Best of" Smackboard

Today Is The Day....
by: Play Boyz (salz33) Jul 3 8:12am

Alright, today is the day that y'all get to hear me whine and complain! This is down-right a crock! BEN, YOUR LEAGUE IS RIGGED! I'm so tired of Ben, Oz,Luke and if you want to count it, Cihal, having 1 player go off for a God-like perfomance in a week! Let's focus especially on this week, with A-Rod and his piss poor performance up until the FINAL NIGHT where he decides, "Hmm, maybe I'll quit bein' such a puss and hit a grand slam and a 3-run dong!" Seriously, 7 RBI's in 1 day! That's un-freakin' believable! I'm tired of having to have record-setting performances just win by the seat of my pants! 6 Bombs and 12 RBI's between 3 people in the same day? Even Cihal hasn't done that yet I don't think!

Sawyer's Updated Hate List:

1. Still holding the king's crown to top this list is none other than Kevin Mench. Mench has clinched this spot for all of eternity with his piss-poor performances and lack of personality and skill! Way to go, Kev! You're a real piece of work! Hey Luke, he's still available!

2. Runner-up award goes to Morgan Ensberg! This moron hit .409 in week 3, scoring 6 runs, 4 bombs and 11 RBI's. Hasn't done anything since then! You're champ!

3. A-Rod. I was a long-time supporter until he turned against the family last night. A-Rod hit .333 with 5 runs, 4 bombs, 12 RBI's, and 1 stolen base, most of which CAME IN THE SAME GAME on the last night! Never go against the family!

4. Coming in 4th is "Bazooka" Joe Mauer! In week 10, Mauer hit .625 with 8 runs and 6 RBI's! Seriously, who is this guy? And how does he do that playing for the Twins?

5. Finally, bring up the caboose is Kenji Johjima. This guy can't put anything together until he plays me! Props for heart on this one, but seriously, c'mon!

Seriously, this league is rigged!

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Join the Crusade Against Dave
by: North Korean Nukes (bricub1908) Jul 6 9:43pm

There is only one thing I can count on from my team, and it is when Chris Capuano starts against the Cubs he will go the distance and shut them out. I can't get excited about that for obvious reasons. Just minutes ago I was feeling great, got the complete game from Capuano and Hudson had (key word HAD) a 7-2 lead in the ninth after going 8 solid innings. Seconds later, the Reds put up a five spot in the ninth (two of which will be charged to Hudson because the Braves' bullpen sucks complete turd nuggets). This will cost me an easy win, and believe me, nothing has come easy for Hudson this season.

This farking league is rigged, Sawyer, I agree, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. The never satisfied Dave Cihal just picked up Carl Crawford in a deal with Trumblee that will have his 8-2 average winning margin skyrocket to the 9-1/10-0 range. This comes on the heels of Cihal picking up Rich Harden from the waiver wire to fulfill an empty DL spot on his roster, as if he needed it, which will further enable him to make us look like a bunch of hoes. It's great that the rest of us are making it so easy for him to kick our balls in repeatedly. So, Kudos to the rest of the league, myself included, that we have let Cihal walk away with this before the All-Star break. Heaven forbid, fantasy gods, that Cihal has to actually deal with shortcomings from anyone on his roster, an occasional slump or injury. David Wright and Jose Reyes colliding on a short pop up would over the infield sidelining both for the second half would be a great start in that direction, but since that won't happen, let's just try to control what we have control over. So, I plead that the rest of the league no longer further helps "Mr. I've got a stranglehold on the standings" by participating in trades to further juice his juggernaut. Cihal is George Steinbrenner in fantasy cirlces as far as I'm concerned, and if you deal with him, let it be known you have sold your soul.

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RE: Join the Crusade Against Dave
by: Angel Pagan (soulfood724) Jul 7 7:45am

I would consider myself more of a Billy Beane than Steinbrenner, there is a reason this team has no Yankees on it. It is all about the Beane method of scouting and developing talent. My coaches have worked with Reyes throughout the year to develop him from a player who had speed but couldn't hit worth a damn and had an average that below .250. David Wright is also a product of my coaches. Sure, he had a pretty good year last year, but under the proper management, he has developed into and MVP candidate. There is nothing rigged about this, I just constantly have my players watch Tom Emanski's videos and it has worked wonders for them. I had my initial setbacks early in the season, Derrek Lee was a pretty big player for my team to lose and I was counting on John Patterson to help out my pitching staff a lot when I made the trade with Ben to get him, only to have him go on the DL and get the same weekly update, "It looks like it could be a couple more weeks before he comes back" for over two months. The team marched through it however, and as a result of top notch scouting and the organization's refusal to never be satisfied, the team has developed into a juggarnaut. Put a trade embargo on me if you would like, but just know that there will be repercussions and this story about my past will illustrate that:

I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

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RE: Join the Crusade Against Dave
by: Play Boyz (salz33) Jul 7 9:15am

I'm jumping in on this crusade wagon as well! What's with everyone trying to help everyone else out in this league, ESPECIALLY Cihal, who's sitting at the top of the chart! Honestly, does he look like he needs any help!?! And Cihal, isn't Billy Beane the one that stepped out of the closet last year and admitted he was gay? Just wanting to make sure you're not wanting to retract any statements! List Trumblee, after years of studying under Al Davis, I can confidently infor you that THIS TRADE SUCKS! You're getting one of the ugliest players I've ever seen (next to Kevin Mench) in HORang and a mediocre 2nd basemen in Lopez for Carl Crawford? What are you thinkin'?The only one that has any REAL value is Sizemore, who has been strugglin' as of late anyways! Listen Trumblee, if you wanted to make a crappy trade, I would've traded you Edmonds AND MENCH for Crawford weeks ago!
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I could be wrong, but...

by: Morneau's Revenge (dtrumblee) Jul 7 10:22am

I have heard grumblings about the recent trade between the GM for Angel Pagan and myself. It seems the Big Bamboola is taking some heat for supposedly getting the better end of that trade and thus further strengthening his already formidable team.

I'd just like to point out that it's not as if he somehow orchestrated the deal in spite of any objections on my part. I was happy to make the trade.
Grady Sizemore is a bona fide stud who has more power and scores more runs than Crawford, two categories I have been losing in lately. Harang will become one of my top three pitchers now. Much better than Millwood, who could possibly be going on the DL soon. Finally, Lopez, who has 22 steals, will replace much of the speed I'm losing with Crawford. To close, Crawford is an extremely streaky hitter. He just happens to currently be in a very hot streak, thus boosting his stock significantly in the last few weeks. In making this trade, I'm essentially betting that he will cool off soon, meaning I will have gotten the best he has to offer and sold him at the height of his value. I could be wrong, but I still don't think it was an unfair trade.

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Clarity
by: North Korean Nukes (bricub1908)

But who am I to be making judgements, I'm 23 games out, I drafted Vlad with my first pick, dropped Kazmir and have held onto Hudson for this long, not to mention that anyone that is counting on Corey Patterson for daily production, especially as a long-time Cub fan, clearly needs to have his brain case examined. So I'm probably full of shit.

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Proclammation of Jihad
by: Angel Pagan (soulfood724) Jul 7 11:51am

Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Baka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.

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soldiers vs. mercenaries

by: USS Waiver Wire (luckeechief) Jul 20 2:24pm

Soldiers: Roy, Roy, Fatty, Lee
Mercenaries: Bush, Chuck, Myers, Wake, Garland & Duke

Since July 16...

Soldiers:
10 IP
0-2 record
5 Ks
8.10 ERA
1.70 WHIP

Mercenaries:
35 1/3 IP
5-0 record
26 Ks
4.83 ERA
1.30 WHIP

Neifi update: Popped out in his second at bat.

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Can't Get back In The Saddle. Won't Engage.
by: I'm Batman (salz33) Jul 24 2:07pm

We are extending the offer to all of our fellow league members to join us at this time. Since our depressing and down-right horrific loss to Boone a few weeks ago, my team has elected to take the Randy Moss approach to the rest of our season and only play when they feel like it. Due to the fact that EVERYONE sat out at least 1 game last week, Lopez took 4, the Play Boyz have decided that we are going to spend the remainder of the season residing at the Playboy mansion with handfuls of naked playboy bunny girls. We just wanted to extend the invitation to any that would like to come and enjoy many, many days filled with centerfolds, blondes, brunettes and your choice of red heads or strawberry blondes. I've talked with Hef and things are squared away! As of this time, the Play Boyz will remain on vacation as we have been the previous 2 weeks.

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Todd F-ing Jones
by: USS Waiver Wire (luckeechief) Jul 24 10:14pm

Since I dropped him on June 23...

8 2/3 innings
1-0, 6 saves
0.00 ERA
0.92 WHIP

He has dropped his ERA from 6.83 to 5.26.

Ouch.

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Mansion Up-Date
by: The Hipity-Dipity (salz33) Jul 25 4:03pm

Contreras and Moose decided that they should probably get back to the grind stone tonight because their teams are still in the playoff hunt. However, we had a few incidents that were unfortunate between last night and this afternoon! I'm sorry to announce that Prior has gone back onto the DL. I was off with Miss January and Miss February "discussing" a few things and Cihal was with another random bunnie and left Prior incharge of watchin' the guys makin' sure most of the guys were behavin' (for the most part). When we got back, we couldn't find Prior. We finally found him off in the bushes crying. I know he'll be embarassed with me sayin' anything, but I just can't help it. He was havin' some trouble talkin' to the girls 'cause he hasn't won this year, so he decided he would "meet up with the stranger" to help build some confidence and got himself hurt. In fact, so badly, that he strained his rotator-cuff and partially tore a few tendons in the elbow. He will be out for the remainer of the season. He shall be missed!


In addition, we had to settle D-train down because he almost poked Howard in the eye doin' his hellicopter move. Howard got upset and there was nearly a "huge sword" fight between D-train, Howard, Dye and Ortiz. We got the situation calmed down and things are fine now! You guys are more than welcome to come join us! As you noticed, Cihal stayed out there for a few more days, which he's more than welcome! Just let me know so I can make the proper phone calls so that y'all get VIP treatment.

One other thing, I guess there was a Mench sighting that I wasn't aware. I just found out about it this morning. Former players Mench and Lowe tried to get in to the place, but they were taken out back "taken care of." Special thanks to my team of crack-down security guards.

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security
by: USS Waiver Wire (luckeechief) Jul 25 4:11pm

Did you say crack-down security guards or cracked out security guards?

I saw Neifi Perez sneak in while Dusty Baker was running interference. Your security can't be that great if I see that hippie cannonballing into the hot tub.

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What, you haven't seen me there?
by: Chasing Aaron (bricub1908) Jul 25 4:24pm

Miguel Tejada, who has hit something like two home runs since late June, said he's never gonna leave. He was hanging out with Heff and the Dildo Twins last night and said it was a "life-changing experience." Oz, I also saw the Unit there last night, and he said he won't go home either because his fantasy manager won't put him in the rotation. What he appreciates most about the Playboy Mansion is that he no longer has to have Brian Cashman comb the streets of the Bronx to find him a good hooker. Turns out, R.J.'s nickname has no correlation to his junk, but that didn't stop him from having a good time.

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RE: HAHAHA...
by: Clear'n'cream (nomh7) Jul 27 6:54pm

I probably did give you a bunch of shit about your draft picks. You are really lighting it up too. Only 43.5 games out of it man. Can I please take fantasy baseball lessons from you??? You actually have time to devote to this and you, and your wonderful draft class and roster moves, are only 43.5 games out. I am so proud of you and your ability to laugh at yourself, because I know that somebody who is that far out would not be laughing at anyone else in the league.

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Hopeless
by: Clear'n'cream (nomh7) Jul 28 6:04pm

Good to hear you made it out ok. I would hate to see our right-center fielder get taken out by a wad from the Unit's unit. That would have been a tough one to explain on the DL paperwork. Kind of like straining a muscle sneezing, it is just something you don't want to talk about.

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Re: Wasted
by: USS Leaky Linkage (luckeechief) Aug 1 3:40pm

I've had some time (Tuesday) to go over all of my wasted picks.

Picks 1-4
Young has underachieved, but Ichiro and the Roys have been right about where I expected them.

Picks 5-9
Mauer and K-Rod have been the bright spots, but Helton and Ensberg tell the story of my season so far. S-Pod got swapped for Sweeney, making my ninth pick plenty useless. Not that I needed speed this year...

Picks 10-14
They've all been on the DL at some point this season. I expected Prior to and I'm cool with that.

Picks 15-18
I picked Garland way too high. Roberts and Patterson have been on the DL this year.

Picks 19-21
Sabathia is my late-round gem, but he was on the DL too. MacDougal and Gathright? Ouch.

Summary
Of the 21 players I drafted, 11 of 'em hit the disabled list at some point in 2006. At one point, six of 'em were "at the mansion" or on the shelf together. Of the 20 active players on my roster today, 10 of them were drafted by me.

Of the remaining 10 players, seven of them were drafted by other managers: Cordero (Cihal 11th rd), Myers (Trumblee 13th), Lee (Grosse 14th), Tracy (Grosse 15th), Francoeur (Cihal 16th), Renteria (Sawyer 18th) and Sexson (Cihal 19th). The remaining three are acquisitions off the FA pile.

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Not true
by: The Unibombers (bricub1908) Aug 21 5:34pm

We had at least one record.

Most K's by a closer in a losing performance - 5 - set by Jonathan Papelbon of the Boston Red Sox to turn my sure 4-3 win over Cihal into a 3-4 loss. Thanks Boston, you guys can't even fucking choke right. In a weekend spent by the BoSox leaving poopstains all over Fenway Park, Papelbon drops this duece on the Unibombers on Sunday night. I like to dwell on things.

There had to be some sort of record set by Dave and I for transactions from the waiver wire as time wound down Saturday night/Sunday morning. FYI: to all of you in need of Sunday magic, you have until 2 a.m. CDT Sunday morning before Yahoo will not let your move work for the next day. Every once in awhile, the West Coast is worth something to the rest of America.

I would also like thank my Unibombers' offense for keeping pace on Sunday without a catcher on the roster, which was a desperate measure for my team to make enough starts to barely lose. And I would like to publicly apologize to Chipper Jones for leaving him out of the lineup on Monday. If he played, the Unibombers wouldn't have tied in HRs or RBIs. Furthermore, Dempster and Howry's combined meltdowns prevented Zambrano from picking up a category-clinching win on Saturday. That's CIHAL MAGIC in action.

Finally, the comeback player of the week goes to Orlando Hernandez, who I only kept in my rotation until Sunday because I needed the start on the last day. He gave up 11 earned in 4 innings on Tuesday. He went six scoreless on Sunday with 8 Ks. He stays on the roster for another week.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHH
by: Cream'nclear (salz33) Aug 23 12:17pm

I've been creamed, and cleared. How'd you like that thumpin' last week Oz-nuts? Takin' it like a champ I see!

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Don't poke the bear
by: Cream'n'clear (luckeechief) Aug 26 11:11pm

Something tells me the Derrek Lee acquisition is going to provoke Cihal in week 22. I can see his teeth clenching as he reaches for his can of Whupass

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Facts
by: 1995 Saturn SL1 (bricub1908) Sep 2 1:55am

So, by Sawyer logic it is better to get the steal of the draft in one round that it is to do fairly well in the other 20 rounds, right? Check that. Ryan Howard and his 47 HRs were also drafted in the ninth round. Not only that, Cihal released him and re-signed him. I think he got the steal of the ninth round twice. Any way you look at it, your boy Griffey is Jacque Jones with a much lower batting average. Jacque Jones is still available and is a much better fantasy play than your boy Griffey Son. But I know there's no going back now.

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TRUMBLEE!!!!!!
by: Play Boyz (salz33) Sep 11 11:11am

YOU PUSSY, YOU BETTER GET BACK HERE AND PLAY ME AGAIN! You got the cheapest, most cowardly win I have ever seen in my entire life! I would rather lose to Oz than have you win a game like that! You didn't do anything! You team couldn't carry my teams' jock straps this week! AND YET, you get to waltz into the next round on a catch 22! This is bull sh*t and I'm callin' it right now! This whole league is rigged! I'm callin' a recount/extra week game for me and trumblee to decide this thing like men if you're not scared that you're gonna get rocked AGAIN! COME AND GET IT TRUMBLEE! COME AND GET IT!

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A response from my vagina
by: The Key Masters (dtrumblee) Sep 11 6:58pm

Dearest Aaron,

I didn't mean to gash your dreams and snatch the game away from you right out of the box, but, what can I say, sometimes I just don't know when to clit - er quit. I wish we could settle this like men, but as you said I'm a coward. Everyone in this league knows I (Dan's vagina) have a yellow streak a mile wide - which the doctors are looking into. I hope we can get past this like men, or at least one man (or pretend fighter pilot) and a man's vagina (or mangina).

Sincerely,
Dan's Vulva

P.S. If your looking for your watch, I think I have it.

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Re: A response from Dan's vagina
by: Smelly Pirate Hooker (soulfood724) Sep 12 12:58am

Sawyer would probably respond to that if the mushroom cloud had cleared by now. He's going to be digging himself out of the ashes of that last post for months, and without a timepiece, we're in for a long wait. LMFAO.

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*
by: '04 Election Recount (salz33) Sep 19 4:17pm

I would like to take a moment and let everyone know that I AM TAKING MY 5th PLACE TROPHY AND GOING HOME HAPPY! My greatest triumph this season was defeating the not so great and powerful Oz as Griffey Jr., his dislocated toe and myself look down upon him and A-Rod rip ass. Had I not been so horribly cheated by Trumblee and the commish of this league, I would've dominated the rest of the remaining teams in the playoffs as well. But seeing how you guys all got together and decided to cheat me out of what is rightfully mine, which is the league championship, I will quietly step back and watch the 1st and 2nd losers duke it out, as I am a true sportsman. This was another case of Homer-tism and I hope you all feel ashamed for pickin' on the new guy that took Scott Rolen with the first pick and still almost punked you all. Way to go Ben. Way to save everyone else from my wrath. You guys should all be kissin' Ben's butt for stepping in and making sure that Trumblee walked away with it. Let it known that this truly is the year of the aestric(*). Ayers, Cihal, whoever wins this matchup which should really for 2nd or 3rd, it will alway be tainted with an *, for I have been wronged, just like Auburn a couple years ago when they should've been playing USC, not Oklahoma! This dirty deed, done dirt cheap shall not be forgotten.

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Re: *
by: Rurals™ (luckeechief) Sep 19 5:57pm

To burst Sawyer's bubble, Trumblee would have bounced him 6-3 in the rematch. Had Sawyer advanced, Ayers would have dribbled him 7-2.

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Re: Re: *
by: '04 Election Recount (salz33) Sep 20 10:35am

Heer we goe agin. Ben is playeng his Luke Grosse kard and goeng aftare mi spelleng. Yu gies serouslee nede two get off thes theng with the spelleng and grammer as a cumback. Its relly lame. I wood have got beated becuz mi gies were sint home becuz we got screwed. We nue we didnt nede two show up fore Boone. 'Nuff sed.

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Re: Re: Re: *
by: Mandate from Heaven (bricub1908) Sep 20 11:50am

Sawyer, give it up. What's your rebuttal to Trumblee beating you in the rematch or me beating you 7-2? Stop making an ass of yourself and save your football team before we're all hearing about how an 0-13 team didn't make the playoffs but somehow should have been the league champion. I already gave some congratulatory praise earlier today, but strike that. There is nothing weaker than a sore loser and there is no way through statistics or smack you can make the claims you are making. You're lucky I'm a Christian and I'm not going to rally the troops to organize a veto against you in football (or that I didn't vote against it while Rocky was still signed in on Yahoo yesterday under his name and then I didn't vote against it under my sign in, either. I'd be halfway home and I promise you I could find two more - if I were as big of a pussy as you). So, until you put something on this board that has statistical backing, I order that the commish instantly delete any messages Sawyer posts from here forward on this board. This board is for people still playing in this league. Thanks for your compliance ahead of time, Ben.

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(deleted)
by: Rurals™ (luckeechief) Sep 20 12:01pm

This is a generic response generated from Yahoo! servers. The message from salz33 could not be posted due to low estrous levels. Please contact Dan's Vagina for future messaging. 

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Hey Sawyer
by: Paradise City (bricub1908) Sep 21 1:04am

YOU SUCK. IF YOU WERE A MAN, YOU'D WRITE SOMETHING BACK!. . . .ON THIS MESSAGE BOARD, NOT YOUR SMACK BOARD!

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Re: Hey Sawyer
by: Paradise City (bricub1908) Sep 21 10:55am

WHERE YOU AT DAWG?.....OH I SEE, I'M TOO REAL FOR YA!

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Re: Re: Hey Sawyer
by: Paradise City (bricub1908) Sep 21 5:29pm

WHAT, ARE JUST GONNA SIT THERE AND LET ME MOCK YOU ON HERE LIKE THIS MESSAGE BOARD?. . . . .I'M REALLY ENJOYING IT!

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Cihal named in Grimsley's affiDAVEit
by: Furry Tractors™ (luckeechief) Oct 1 10:19pm

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and Dave Cihal were among the persons that a former major league pitcher accused of using performance-enhancing drugs, according to a federal agent's affidavit, the Los Angeles Times reported.

The player reportedly making the accusations was Jason Grimsley, who was on Cihal's watch list the entire year.

Along with the other players, Cihal repeated to reporters on Sunday how stunned he was. His iUSA League of Shadows fantasy baseball title is being reviewed while tests are being done at one of the leading doping research labs in the Midwest - Sawyer's Basement, LLC.

"They can test me all they want," Colt 45 said. "I will be vindicated once these tests come back. The only things these tests will come back positive for is talent and too much Sam & Louie's pizza."

In June, federal agents searched Grimsley's home in Arizona after the pitcher admitted using human growth hormone, steroids and amphetamines. Grimsley was later released by the Arizona Diamondbacks and suspended 50 games by Major League Baseball.

"It's true that I did have Grimsley on my watch list all season," Cihal said. "I just thought it'd be cool to have the team name 'Grimsley's Reapers' or something cool like that."

The commissioner's office of the Shadows League issued a statement through a hot, blonde intern.

"The office is not calling Cihal's fantasy integrity into question. Following this protocol, the league champion will be named at a ceremony in Large Business Compilation on Monday, pending the results."

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From: Sawyer, Aaron
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:03 PM
To: Ayers, Brian; Schroeder, Ben; Cihal, Dave
Subject: RE:

I appreciate it gentleman! Good to have friends in high places. Baseball wise, I will admit it, now and only now, I was 5th place and was rightfully band from the board for mistakes at who was comin' at me (Ayers, thinkin' it was Dave) and I openly admit that I was not the champ! This has been a humbling experience! My apologies, Cihal, you're a true champion. Eye of the Tiger son!

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From: Cihal, Dave
Sent: Tuesday, November 21, 2006 1:05 PM
To: Sawyer, Aaron; Ayers, Brian; Schroeder, Ben
Subject: RE:

Thank you Sawyer, it is great to finally hear that from you. Eye of the Tiger! All choked up....
 

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