Re: Quarantining The Mansion
by: El Caballo™ (luckeechief) Apr 23 4:28pm
Mansion re-opens with Pavanopalooza

MANLOVE, Mansion -- The ban at The Mansion was lifted on Monday as the Darkhorse sent several players in for rehabilitation.

Most notably the Darkhorse's ace, Carl Pavano, was sent to the Mansion.

Darkhorse manager Aaron Sawyer welcomed his team back after Cihal continued his streaking success and corralled the Darkherd.

"From what I heard, they couldn't wait to get back there," One Hitters GM Stephen Pache said. "They saw my team and Dice-K Matsuzaka sitting in third place and went running away. They can already see another loss on the horizon."

The Mansion, closed temporarily when Chris Capuano crapped all over Sawyer's magic Wandy Rodriguez last Saturday, was cleared for the re-opening festivities. The Mansion has been herpes-free for nearly 24 hours.

"I'm calling Monday night's re-opening Pavanopalooza cuz that's how I roll," Sawyer said. "I invited some Swedish musicians, SunBlock and the Hellacopters, and we're gonna have a kickass night."

Pavano, the guest of honor, will be honored with a toast for his best season with the Darkhorse team.

"We're shutting him down for the rest of the season," Sawyer explained. "That way I can claim that I got the most out of this free agent acquisition."

 

The New York Yankees have okay'd Pavano's departure to the Mansion. Confused that it was Pavano that gave up four consecutive HRs to Boston Sunday Night, Jorge Posada was seen on Monday catching from Steinbrenner's newest fifth starter: a pitching machine.

"This Jugs MVP 3,000 pitching machine has good command and can throw 15 miles an hour faster than Pavano," Posada said. "I've already spent quite a bit of time getting to know how to call a game with this machine on the mound. I'd attend the Mansion party myself, but I'm throwing one of my own at La Posada with the Jugs MVP 3,000 tonight."

OTHER NOTES: The usual Gatorade served at all Mansion festivities won't be available for Pavanopalooza as the Mansion management is saving most of the stockpile for Sawyer's lost bets.

Re: GodziRAH vs. King Dong
by: King Dong™ (luckeechief) Apr 25 12:17am
Poster buzz surrounds new movie release

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Japanese film studios have released a promotional poster celebrating the remake of the 1972 Japanese monster movie Godzilla vs. King Kong.

 

One of the movie's main stars, Hideki Matsui, returned Tuesday night to help Godzirah take a 5-4 lead. Part three of this summer's blockbuster continues tomorrow so stay tuned!

Live Performance at the Mansion May 14
by: GodziRAH's Return (bricub1908) Apr 26 11:12pm
BOCA RATON, Fla. (AP) - A three-headed baseball commissioner, a cross-dressing slugger and OziRAH are the cast of characters heading to a Mansion near you.

A live performance of the second feature of Mutant Movie Week, "OziRAH and LaBonduh vs. Flamewangs" premiers Monday May 14 at the Mansion.

 

The plot: Nick Osborne, a shameless Barry Bonds loyalist, started a propaganda campaign on this message board requesting "that the gods somehow favor (Bonds) breaking the record sometime between June 18th and 20th.”

The gods passed judgment, but in favor of Hank Aaron.

The night after slugging home run No. 741, Bonds mutated into a cross-dressing monster who looks a lot like LaFonduh from "Napolean Dynamite," only with a few reptile traits. Dubbed LaBonduh by the media, the mutant was last seen in the Everglades making way to the Mansion upon hearing MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was visiting Sawyer's estate in Boca Raton to hide from yet another big-league controversy.

Never far behind LaBonduh is OziRAH, as it turned out Nick Osborne was also on the juice (did I mention this is a comedy?) and mutated, too. Like Shooter McGavin's crazed fan in "Happy Gilmore," the human Nick Osborne was a bit of an overzealous fan himself, a bit Sawyer-like with his man crush on Barry. He spent time in a federal Pound-Me-in-the-Ass prison after being held in contempt of court for refusing to testify against the villain.

In his mutant life, OziRAH has found a mate with LaBonduh and is following him to the Mansion for a showdown with Selig - but not before pounding a few out in the swamp (OK, XXX-rated comedy. Director's Note: Deleted scene, a 3-way with LaBonduh, OziRAH and Swamp Ding-A-Ling, is available on limited-edition DVD).

Meanwhile, the Mansion is in complete carnage after Selig mutated into a three-headed flying dragon, also equipped with three flame-shooting shlongs. Turns out Selig was on the juice, too.

Known as FlameWangs, the mutant commish chased D-Train, Sheffield and Zach Greinke from the premises with one thrust of his scaly pelvic region. And the eviction has been good for the Mansion mainstays as each has responded by becoming a contributing member of fantasy baseball society again.

FlameWangs has found a role in society, too, since failing miserably as the monarch of baseball. Sawyer has taken a liking to Flamewangs and has made him his loyal pet just like Oz was to Barry. The monster heads security at the Mansion.

OziRAH and LaBonduh are expected to arrive at the Mansion on May 14, which coincides with the first clash of the heated fantasy baseball rivalry between OziRAH and the Darkhorse.

Hideki Matsui was treated to a VIP showing of the XXX comedy and had rave reviews.

"I serect many scenes for my Boner Jams DVD, a correction of my favoyite scenes from American porn, all remastered on high-res, FUJIFilm," Matsui said. "This one contains No. 1 money shot in awe of porn I have ever seen, and I seen a rot of porn."

by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 1 12:03am 

Can I make a suggestion E? Don't make posts when you are getting home from the bar. They make you sound ignorant.
From recent history....
-From the NASCAR board..."You are all fucking lucky I didn't get to update my shit as early as I should have. I would have fucking OWNDED this week. Oh well. First place, good padding your lead. Fuck yahoo and their damn deadlines." Posted at 01:51 on 4/22. Post last call and ignorant.
-From this board...(paraphrased) I will fuck up any trade that involves Cihal because I can. (What everyone read) "Man, this sucks. I am no good at fantasy sports and bitter. I will veto any trade that involves him because he is better than me at fantasy games." Posted 01:31 on 4/31. Again after last call, and again ignorant.
This is an intervention. Friends don't let friends post drunk. Save yourself the embarassment of your ignorance and us the engergy of bitch slapping you. It is for your own good buddy.

Makin' a bid to replace Kevin Mench......
by: salz33 (Ragin' Darkhorse) May 1 9:45pm 

I hate you Jhonny Peralta.

Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 4 7:05am

Omaha, NE -- In a move many consider to be an "only until he gets hurt again" situation, Glorius Leader of License to Jong-il signs Ken Griffey's son.

Many have questioned the move, such as Chinaman's Return owner Eric Hrabovsky. Mr. Hrabovsky vowed "I will find a way to veto this move!" in between swigs from a beer glass taller than himself. When reached for comment on the move, Cihal commented "What, you expect me to keep Barrett when I have Doumit behind the plate?"

Unfortunately Griffey comes with his own hamstring. Rumor has it that the stolen base yesterday, his first since '04 was actually orchestrated with help from the Houston bench. When reached for comment, Houston manager Phil Garner refused to comment other than "I have great respect for his father."

When Cihal was asked if he plans to keep Griffey on his roster, he became eerily quiet. The rumor mill is turning again and saying that Mr. Griffey will be on the streets again at the first sign of a limp.

In the grand scheme of things, who can argue with Griffey aquisition. For the 10 games a year he is healthy, he is a fantasy stud. Just ask Aaron Sawyer who rode him to the amazing record just 61.5 games out of first place.

Re: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: soulfood724 (Licensed to Jong-il) May 4 8:51am 

Griffey will fit in well with the four players that I already have on the DL. And, even though I didn't draft him, he was the steal of the draft for me kid. Who wouldn't concure with that? Nuff said!

Re: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: scrillafrilla (Chinaman's return) May 4 1:08pm 

I never said shit. And people have a problem with me player hating on the league leader and trying to do anything to bring his precious winning string to an end you can fuck off. You know deep down you don't want him to make his team any better than it already is.

so thank you drive through and enjoy the pubes I put in your burger.

RE:RE:RE: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: drruffcorn (2 Balls And 1 Strike) May 4 8:17pm 

I wish I would have known Griffey's son was such a sought after ringer to there fantasy roster I may have drafted him earlier.Maybe I could have gotten some trade value. Hell what could be a worse offer than Escobar for Oswalt? The champ don't like to trade unless it is 60/40 his way.WTF.I offered a fair deal and it's rejection city. Maybe it's the pressure that infact he will lose several times this season? Maybe it's because he fears the guy in last place? Maybe it's because he can't be invincible in a 12 man league like the diluted 8 man INFO wash up he's used to. Bottom Line:Don't offer trades unless your gonna send someone proven for probably the best second half pitcher in this league.No hard feelings but nobodys gonna roll over hand this to the "man". U still gotta earn it baby. C YA SHORT STUFF!

Re: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 4 11:52pm 

I feel the need to respond, even though I am afraid it will fall on deaf ears.

Your post from 5/4/2007 at 1308 (1).
"I never said shit (2). And people have a problem with me player hating on the league leader and trying to do anything to bring his precious winning string to an end you can fuck off. You know deep down you don't want him to make his team any better than it already is (3).

so thank you drive through and enjoy the pubes I put in your burger (4)."

1) First and foremost. Thank you for posting before last call. It makes you sound more intelligent. Not smart, but more intelligent none the less.

2) From your post on 4/30 "I don't care anyway, if you have a trade pending with the "infamous" Cihal and his winning streak I'm shutting it down." I would hate to see what it is when you are saying shit.

3) You do realize with your backward ass logic you prevent anyone else from bettering their team through him. With comments like "He has one thing in mind, getting what won't hurt him. If it will jeopardize his winning streak he won't do it, and if you are involved", again from the infamous "Post of Ignorance", you are only doing one thing. Acknowledging that he has a leg up and you are scared of any moves he makes. Managing fantasy teams and gambling with emotion instead of fact leads to one thing. LOSSES. Just ask anybody who has had Mark Prior on their roster at some point in the last 3 years.

(4) If you keep using logic like that from your posts, your career options will be limited to things like flipping burgers.

Re: RE:RE:RE: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: soulfood724 (Licensed to Jong-il) May 5 7:35am 

First off, the whole Griffey thing is a joke that dates back to last year. He is probably not going to be on my roster after Thome comes back.

Secondly, the trades you offered me after the initial one got rejected were less fair than the ones I was offering you. I never offered you Oswalt for Escobar straight up, I am smarter than that big guy. If you have such a fucking problem with my trades, why did you accept the initial one?

I will agree with you on one thing, I am going to lose several times this year starting this week to Ayers. Everyone else but me talks about the streak. I don't give a fuck about it. I don't care about my regular season record. All I care about is winning in the playoffs and I am going to try to build my team to do that, that is why I am not dropping any of the four guys I have on the DL right now and taking my lumps because of these injuries.

My team last year included Victor Martinez, Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carl Crawford, Jermaine Dye, Johan Santana, Brandon Webb, Francico Liriano, Joe Nathan, Jonathan Papelbon, Jake Peavy, Jered Weaver, Hanley Ramirez. Hmmmm....do I think I could ever have another team like that? FUCK NO. So if you guys think that I have it in my mind that I am not going to lose this season, you are dead wrong.

What you are also wrong about is that I am scared of your team and that you are supposedly sending me 'fair' trades. I think that you have improved your roster by not carrying so many offensive bench players, but there is no fear coming from here.

Oz
by: scrillafrilla (Chinaman's return) May 5 11:39am 

Thanks a lot for the advice man! I think I can now become more successful with fantasy baseball. Hell, I might even offer a trade or two.

I don't know why I am wasting my time typing this, because words can not describe nor do justice to the many thankful feelings I have for you.

I need a towel.

Re: RE:RE:RE: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: luckeechief (Rurals™) May 6 2:49am 

What does Cihal care about?

7:35 a.m. Cihal says:
"All I care about is winning in the playoffs and I am going to try to build my team to do that, that is why I am not dropping any of the four guys I have on the DL right now and taking my lumps because of these injuries."

11:20 p.m. Cihal does:
Drops Iwamura (one of the four guys on his DL) for Victorino.

Re: RE:RE:RE: Red State Signs Oft Injured Red
by: soulfood724 (Licensed to Jong-il) May 6 8:40am 

Victorino had two more steals last night, pushing his season total up to 13. It became evident to me that he could bring even more to my team in my areas of need than Iwamura, so this is a move that makes sense now and for the long run. You have been wanting Iwamura for a long time and bugged me several times about him. Don't pretend like you aren't getting a chubby thinking about having the Japanese combo of Ichiro and Iwamura.

Oz signs Norris as hitting coach
by: luckeechief (Rurals™) May 6 11:55am 

Shooting for .500 signs sharpshooter Norris
RBI CITY, Neb. -- An acquisition that won't show up in the transaction log helped Shooting for .500 come closer to that winning percentage on Saturday.

Chuck Norris, hired earlier this week as Oz's new hitting coach, finally made a breakthrough with Michael Young, Texas Ranger. Young broke out for five RBIs against Roy Halladay and the Bluejays, finally seeing his average climb above David Eckstein's.

"I told Michael that if he didn't have back-to-back multi-hit games I was going to roundhouse kick him in his little Young berries," Norris said. "I know a thing or two about the Texas Rangers and I just couldn't sit by and watch Michael suck something awful like he was earlier this year."

Couldn't win even one stat category?
by: lgrosse22 (Dastard Bastards) May 6 9:49pm 

Earlier in the week you asked me why I dropped Russ Ortiz...Obviously posing the rhetorical question while taking delight in his awful outing. But, hey, you ended up only losing 9-0 and you're only dead last and 20+ games out of first place, so I hope the school-girl giddiness you felt over Ortiz's shitty start was good enough to keep you satisfied the whole week.

Hehehehehehe....Just bustin' your chops, homey!!!!

Whorin' the Wire
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 6 11:55pm

Omaha, NE -- It's official. Dave Cihal, leader of the Cubby Chubby club, is a waiver wire whore and the rest of the league has no answer.

At 2:11pm CT on Sunday May 6, the Associated Press reported that the New York "Evil Empire" Yankees signed perennial Cy Young threat Roger Clemens. At 2:32 Cihal comes to terms with Mr. Clemens and convinces him to join the Cubby Chubby roster.

Staring down the barrel of his first loss this season, Cihal felt it was time to watch the wire to turn things around. When reached for comment, Mr. Cihal simply said "Can't talk. Waiver whoring."

Brian Ayers, sensei of the Team Windex dojo, said he was "not surprised" that Cihal was the first to Clemens. "That kid could smell a popcorn fart a country mile upwind, much less a signing of this magnitude."

Aaron Sawyer, proprietor of the infamous Mansion and captain of the good ship Ragin' Darkhorse admitted he could have really used a pitcher like Clemens. "After getting pounded like a piece of veal scaloppini this week by Luke, I need some pitching." He went on to say, "I am focused on the future and dedicated to excellence. I have been consumed with planning the first blow-out of the summer at the Mansion. After that I can get back to fantasy sports."

As the rest of the league sits back and waits (and hopes) for a Griffey hamstring injury and maybe a period of unexplained insanity from the league leader, Cihal was sighted in his office doing his best Mr. Burns. "Excellent...."

Scissors suck ass
by: bricub1908 (Running Unopposed) May 7 12:06am 

Cihal and I were in the same room when Roger signed with the Yanks and a rock-paper-scissors standoff produced the winner. Cihal's rock crushed my scissors in the tiebreaker and he got Clemens. I tried stalling him by forcing a power outage, but yall were still too slow. In the mean time, I'll be trying to coax Sawyer to get back on the Darkhorse so I can kick him back off the saddle.

Mansion Maintenance
by: bricub1908 (Stuart Smally) May 7 7:32pm

BOCA RATON, Fla. - This is his darkest hour, and mine, too.
What would the Mansion be without a Sawyer to compile the VIP list?

Who would we blame if we didn't have an updated list of Sawyer's five most-hated players of all time?

And what kind of a reality would it be if there wasn't an Aaron Sawyer to tell us "I'M TOO REAL FOR YA!" in his true CAPS LOCK fashion?

I find Sawyer's defeatist attitude after his recent 9-0 loss to archrival Luke Grosse truly unacceptable. How can the same guy who has stuck by Al Davis and the Raiders all these years give up on his own fantasy baseball team after just five weeks?

It is my hope that a few kind words from those Sawyer has been less than kind to can lead the Mansion ringleader back to the front office of his fantasy team.

"When you named me Turnblow last year, that shit really pissed me off, but it saved my life," Derrick Turnbow said. "Last year I allowed 43 earned runs in 56.1 innings. In 13.1 this year, I've allowed 3 and will be a closer for another team around the All-Star break. I owe that all to the nickname."

While Kevin Mench has continued to suck complete shit since leaving Sawyer's roster last year, he did find a happy home in Milwaukee, all thanks to Sawyer.

"Yeah, that Ice Man dude was a real shit bag to me last year," Mench said. "All that crap he wrote about me being ugly and stupid made my children cry, but it also was the reason behind Texas trading me to Milwaukee. Now I'm on a first-place team in the U.S. headquarters for cold ones. Thanks Sawyer!"

Kenji Johima has also used Sawyer's harsh words to rectify his career.

"He make fun of way I speak," Johima said. "But now I reary am a rear big-reague prayer. He sooooooo goooood."

Bazooka Joe Mauer, another of Sawyer's five all-time most-hated players, did not challenge Sawyer's power on fantasy baseball when asked about it.

"Things were just going great for me until I got put on his list," Mauer said. "I set the all-time highest batting average for a catcher in MLB history last season, but all spring I got threats in the mail, with letters cut out from magazines promising my demise. Next thing I know, after a game against the Orioles, Nick Markakis cornered me in the clubhouse and stabbed me in the quad with an icicle and ran away screaming 'All for the greater glory of the almighty Ice Man.'"

But no one understands what it's like to walk in Sawyer's shoes more than A-Rod.

"You all just wouldn't understand," A-Rod said of Sawyer's recent bleak outlook on the fantasy season. "When you're a beautiful man, with rippling arms and washboard abs like Sawyer and I, it just seems like the whole world's out to get you sometimes. Hey Sawyer, believe me, I know what you're going through, and I want you to look at what I'm doing this season and find the inspiration to come back, keep me high on the hate list and kick Ayers' ass this week."

Bones' Blog
by: bricub1908 (Lazarus Darkhorse?) May 9 12:29am 

Please read Bones' daily blog on your very own waiver wire. These one-line transactions give a daily account of the issues he struggles with in his introductory season to the League of Shadows. The most entertaining of these entries has been the two-part blog on the topic of "Who needs Cy Young Award Winners Anyway?"

His most recent entry details how Alex Gonzalez (no, not the dickhead who made the error in the 2003 playoffs, the dickhead with a .248 career BA with 97 HRs in 10 MLB seasons) is a better fit than Randy Johnson, who has had two shaky starts this season.

And his blog on April 13 in which he talked about the value of Matt Belisle over Roger Clemens actually convinced me that Bones has the foresight to see the next Rocket in the making.

I can't wait for the third part to this Cy Young Award Winner Giveaway series when I see Roy Halladay dropped for Antonio Alfonseca's unforeseen rejuvenation as a closer. And I'll laugh even harder when I see some schmuck like Cihal wind up giving up a gem like Scott Olsen for a chump like the Unit. He's so screwed. And if you could wait until I have No. 1 waiver priority to drop Halladay, I think that's the least thing you could do for someone who pulled your first tooth.

Re: Bones' Blog
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 9 3:00am 

Bones, I think I can make this a little easier to understand for you. Think of a roster move like a hit of smack. The upside is that it is easy to do and gives you about 5 minutes of ecstasy. The downside is that it is a lifelong addiction, the sinking feeling after the buzz borders on suicidal, and even though you think nobody notices they all do.

Being the Samaritan that I am (Just ask Eric. I saved him from a lifetime of drunken, ignorant posts, at least I hope I have.) I have a suggestion for you. The season is 8 fucking months long, 162 games, 1458 innings per team (excluding extra frames). Don't drop perennial performers like The Unit because his first 2 starts of the season are less than stellar. Friends don't let friends make shitty moves. Just say no buddy.

Re: Whorin' the Wire
by: drruffcorn (2 Balls And 1 Strike) May 10 6:15pm 

I agree all the way Oz Man. It must be nice to sit up all night, not requiring sleep(cuz all u do is play with your cpu all day at work anyway) and whore the wire.The workin man just can't get ahead in this league. That's fine with me. These guys can stay up all night and pop their fuckin zits or play Dungeons and Dragons or whatever the fuck it is they gotta do. I'll keep pluggin away like I gots too. But I had no idea you had to be a vampire to compete. Just don't seem right. PEACE.

Re: Whorin' the Wire
by: bricub1908 (Satan's Sluggers) May 10 9:14pm 

This is a scapegoat-free zone.

Russ, I didn't know you worked 24 hours a day. Secondly, the waiver wire move was made at 2:33 p.m., not a.m., and it was also made on a Sunday. So I think you kind of missed the boat on that last post, bud.

To compete, you have to draft a pitching staff as there are five offensive categories and five pitching categories. Where you went wrong was carrying five offensive bench players and drafting five starting pitchers and one closer, while the rest of the league drafted around 7 starters and three closers. That's not Dave's fault.

And on any day of the week, when you have a free half-hour, you can set your lineup for the entire week if you're seriously that pressed for time.

I guess what I'm saying is don't get mad at Cihal because he drafted a better team than you and because he doesn't work on Sundays. When your football team was a lot better than his, I didn't see Cihal calling you a vampire. I think he blamed himself for drafting Shaun Alexander, the Madden coverboy last year. Oz tried using the same "poor me, I don't have five minutes free in a day" excuse last year. The truth is he didn't want it bad enough. This year he does, and by him simply setting his lineup daily and doing some routine maintenance, he's competitive. The same will be true of you once you give your recent restructuring the time to work.

I hate seeing close to 40 WW after one month of the season as much as the next guy, but if you draft a team you're comfortable with, you don't have to do that. Bones and Cihal obviously aren't comfortable with the teams they drafted, and I am sure both would tell you that they are waiver whores. And when they fuck up managing that way, I will be the first to inform everyone about it. So instead of bitching about it, pick up their Kinslers and Units when they drop them, and benefit from their inability to stay put.

Re: Whorin' the Wire
by: soulfood724 (Griffey's Revenge) May 10 10:17pm 

One other thing to point out is that it doesn't take checking your team several times a day to make a waiver claim. If you simply check your team once a day you will have a chance to put in a waiver claim on a player and have a shot at him. I had the number 12 waiver priority when Randy Johnson was dropped. Everyone in this league except for Bones could have claimed him off of waivers and prevented me from getting him.

I have made a lot of moves but I am not going to apologize for that or feel bad about it. I would have made a lot less moves if I didn't have several injuries. I was indecisive about replacements for Thome and Harden and couldn't find a mix of players that I liked. I finally have a team that I am happy with and plan on making mainly maintenance moves after my guys come back from the DL.

while ive got a minute...
by: bones051103 (Still Thrillin) May 11 2:31am 

I, however, will continue whoring the wire as scheduled. You see, I don't like my team today. I won't like them next week, and I won't like them next month. That's just how it's gonna be. If it's gonna be a problem for anyone, I suppose you could just go ahead and blow me. Otherwise, you could manage your own team before trying to manage mine. Either way, please quit smearing your vagina all over the message board.

ps...Brian I will be posting a message just for you in the very near future. Seriously.

Get a grip Russ RE: Whorin the Wire
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 13 1:10am 

I feel as if you have missed the boat here Mr. Ruffcorn and it is my place to correct you, as it was me who started this thread. I was not condemning Cihal as much as commending him in my own backhanded way. The way to win a fantasy baseball league, which seems to last an eternity, is to be able to make adjustments on the fly. Over the past season and 2 months, Cihal has shown he is better at this aspect of fantasy baseball than just about all of the rest of us.
You see Russ, anybody who drafts a team that they do not tweak is either somehow able to read the future or has found a way to cheat on Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball (both bullshit in my opinion). April and May is when you find out which players have their A-game and which are posers. You get an idea for who is having a breakout year, and who is content with the fat contract they signed in the last couple of years.
Your working man excuse is one I used last year. It has more to do with knowing how to set lineups and exploit matchups than time. While extra free time can help you get an edge, it is not an excuse for finishing over 60 games out of first (as I, and half the league for that matter, did last year).
Your comments are in the same boat as those of Mr. Hrabovsky earlier in the season. It is with regret that I must apply the "Ignorant Poster" tag to another member of this esteemed group.

P.S. If you had time to write that message, you had time to set your lineup for the week and check the available players for useful acquisitions.

For Bones.........
by: bricub1908 (Myers' Wife) May 16 2:58pm 

As I await the message you promised me a week ago, I'd just like to point out that Randy Johnson threw 6 innings of one-hit ball and recorded nine Ks with no walks last night. That would be 19Ks in his last two starts. Furthermore, the fantasy gods shunned you by rupturing Roy Halladay's appendix less than a week after I called you out for dropping two Cy Young Award winners this year. You can use those 4-6 weeks he's on the DL to think about what you've done, or you can use them to make anywhere from 28-42 roster moves. I'll leave that up to you. Sorry for smearing my vagina on the message board again, but given the self-destruction of your roster, I thought they could use some muff.

Please Retrade Me 40 Move Meltdown
by: fullphledged (The One Hitters) May 18 7:44am 

Hey Fuckface, I accidentally rejected your proposition to trade me the limp wristed Jason Marquis for Ramirez. I forgot that I actually do want more worthless pussies on my team and I especially want them traded to me by a funny little bitch.

Re: Please Retrade Me 40 Move Meltdown
by: bones051103 (40 move meltdown) May 18 10:15am 

ok steve.

To My Oz Nuts.......
by: salz33 (Oz Kicker) May 21 8:46am 

Of all the people and all the teams in the entire world to get my first win against, I'm glad it was you. =) HAHA! Nuttin' but love brotha! Gagne For Life.

Sawyer's Gatorade Mustache
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 22 5:46am 

I do what I can buddy. I gave Mr. Norris, our hitting coach, the week off to kick commie asses in southeastern Asia. I figured I could afford it against your weak ass squad and you "I quit" attitude. I am glad you proved me wrong, but you may be jumping the gun on calling your squad "revived". A less than resounding win against my painfully inconsistent squad does not constitute a comeback. I am glad I could add a little joy to your painful existence though.

KEEP YO HEAD UP KID. (Sorry couldn't resist a chance to all caps ya buddy.)

2:16 a.m.
by: bricub1908 (9th Inning Squirts) May 27 2:17am 

While I was changing my team name, Ben made a roster move, just 20 minutes after I made one. **cue the Jaws music** Bones has gotta be out here somewhere, too. Good luck on the hunt tonight men.

Veto
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 27 4:51am 

Anybody want to man up and comment on vetoing the trade?

Re: Veto
by: bricub1908 (9th Inning Squirts) May 27 10:34am 

Yes, Eric Byrnes is a little fag not worth the value of Frank Thomas or Andruw Jones alone - no matter how shitty their numbers are at the end of May.

Re: Veto
by: luckeechief (Rurals™) May 27 12:00pm 

I thought Bones was getting the better end of the deal with Andruw Jones capable of going off any month now. But I didn't feel that strongly enough to cast a veto vote.

Re: Veto
by: drruffcorn (2 Balls And 1 Strike) May 27 12:11pm 

I can't remember if I vetoed or not. Oh yeah, I DID. Sorry.

Re: Veto
by: salz33 (Revived Darkhorse?) May 27 1:27pm 

One of the dumbest trade proposals I've seen yet this year. And I've seen a bunch of them from Bones.

Re: Veto
by: bricub1908 (9th Inning Squirts) May 27 2:40pm 

I don't think it's any worse than Giambi for Man-Ram.

Re: Veto
by: lgrosse22 (Morneau's Nose) May 27 8:00pm 

I considered the veto but didn't. Just in case you're wondering.

Re: Veto
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 27 10:56pm 

B, if you feel so strongly about their value, make me an offer. It will probably get vetoed, but hey.

Re: Veto
by: bricub1908 (9th Inning Squirts) May 28 10:59am 

I'm up to my ears in slumping outfielders right now. Besides, I'd probably send you some B.S. offer like Delgado for Konerko.

Veto Update
by: bricub1908 (Aiming 4 Mediocrity) May 29 9:53pm 

PHILADELPHIA (AP) - Atlanta Braves owner Ted Turner told a Council Bluffian fantasy owner to "know his role" on Tuesday after reading random message board postings on Yahoo over the weekend.

The message that drew the guy boning Jane Fonda's ire was the disgruntled one left by Nick Osborne after having "the stupidest trade proposal" Sawyer's seen this year get accepted and then vetoed.

Osborne, who proposed Frank Thomas AND Andruw Jones for ONE limp-wristed Eric Byrnes to the infamous Bones McCoy, was disappointed to have his proposal pissed on by the rest of the league.

"I know we're setting the bar pretty high to ask these two fatasses to hit their weight," Osborne said Sunday. "And I know it might make a fantasy expert's column if I traded Byrnes for these two, but I just have a feeling about this one."

Kind of like that feeling when fart and you think you may have shit your pants a little bit, too, but you're just not quite sure, Turner said.

"That's why I fucking run the Braves and you fucks dick around on your computers," Turner said. "Oz, I'd love to sit down and talk some strategy with you, but I've got a couple TV networks to run. In short, I'd thank all those prudent gentlemen that vetoed that shit for saving your season as Andruw collects his annual 40+ dongs and 100 RBIs now."

Since the Byrnes-Jones/Thomas veto, Andruw Jones has hit home runs on consecutive days, and as of 9:18 p.m. Tuesday, is 3-for-4 with an RBI and stolen base on Oz's bench. Thomas has been dropped for the speedy Reggie Willits. Meanwhile, Eric Byrnes remains solid with six hits in his past 16 at bats, one RBI and five runs scored. He was photographed pouring a strawberry daiquiri down his pants in celebration after the team's 5-4 win over the Phillies Monday.

Re: Veto Update
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 30 3:22am

Atlanta -- This just in. Ted Turner was found dead in his apartment with a well sharpened number 2 pencil lodged firmly in his neck. Police are unsure as to the motive as this point, but speculation is that he was killed for being a douche bag. Turner is well known for his network, print and baseball team's "warning track power" and inability to win it all.

Nick Osborne was seen leaving police headquarters shortly after the discovery of Turner's body. Police briefly questioned Osborne, leader of Shooting for .500, due to the scathing remarks made by Turner in regards to Osborne's club and management style. Osborne acknowledged that Turner was definitely a douche bag. Police say Osborne was released and is not considered a suspect.

Mr. Osborne's official statement sent from Shooting for .500 offices was released shortly thereafter.Osborne went on to comment, "Sure I think he a douche, but why would I take him seriously on championship advice? I am not trying to win my division, I am trying to win it all. I think Teddy has proved he is as inept in that regard as everyone, except maybe the Tribune Group. I would also like to thank the Atlanta Police department and will work with them to find the 'real' killer."

hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: bones051103 (Chief J StrongBones) May 30 11:40am 

your right. im retarded. you dont need any pitching. how ridiculous of me to offer you chris ray, a 30-40 save guy and a likely 15 game winner in marquis for jhonny fucking peralta. some nerve ive got. i just hope your not projecting ol' j.p. to go for 40/120. probably not dude. i guess that would just be one of many miscalculations which has led to the sorry state of your inevitably cellar-dwelling team. enjoy the ride douchebag.

Re: hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: salz33 (Nevermind) May 30 12:43pm 

We have grown to love the cellar. And no, I don't need pitching, I just need my fools to quit under achieving and show up! Bring me somethin' legit if you're going to propose somethin'. Chris Ray, great addition. Marquis, piss poor offer. Only place he has left to go this season is downhill. Look at my team before you send me anything. Don't need a closer, don't need any more pitching, but I do need a SS. Think about it. I'm just sayin', no more of this Marquis for Wright-type of trades! You want somethin' like that, go talk to Oz-Nuts.

Re: hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: bones051103 (Chief J StrongBones) May 30 2:07pm 

yep. you're definitely full of shit. I just wanna make sure i have this right.

1.Jason Marquis is a piss poor offer.
2.Look at your roster I send you an offer.

Please take this opportunity, then, to justify the trade proposal you sent me 6 DAYS AGO. Let me remind you.....
JASON GIAMBI for JASON MARQUIS.

So, not only did you pursue the 'destined for the downslide' Marquis, but you offered me Giambi when i already have Pujols and Delgado...2 guys who only have 1st base eligibility. Way to look at my roster, bud.

go ahead. come up with something clever to post to mask your incompetence.

i'll wait.

Re: hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: salz33 (Nevermind) May 30 2:15pm 

Offered you Giambi to see if I could get anything before he goes on the DL or gets banned for the rest of the year for 'roids! Read the players notes fool. And seein' how you're notorious for stupid moves, (i.e. dropping Cy Young Winners after 1 bad start) figured this might be one more move that you could add to your list.

Re: hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: bones051103 (Chief J StrongBones) May 30 2:29pm 

nothing says 'im outta gas' like stealing brians month old cy young dig.

goodbye aaron

unless, that is, you find any other good zingers while your rifling through old posts.

Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: bricub1908 (Aiming 4 Mediocrity) May 30 3:45pm 

FOREWORD:

Since I have a lot of time to sit on the bench, I thought I'd make this book report for my beloved fantasy owner Nick Osborne.

As I continue to rake, Shooting for .500 conitues to shoot blanks. And the fantasy owner out the 712 gets further and further from the goal of his season. If a .500 finish is the best Oz can aim to accomplish, he's going to have to do it without the greatest player to ever emerge from the Netherlands, me.

I have finished each of the past two seasons with nearly 130 RBIs and an average of 45.5 home runs, and I'm 6 for my past 15 with 3 runs, 2 HRs, 5 RBIs and 1 stolen base over that stretch, yet I continue to whiter on Oz's bench for a second straight day.

After I drove in Brian McCann with an RBI double on Wednesday and then scored on a Francouer single, I decided to give Oz a history lesson about the Braves and Giants, right after I finished making sure none of the diamonds fell out of my 1995 World Series championship ring. And ya know, if I was gonna blast someone for not being a winner, I'd make damn certain my team has won a title since I've been alive before I do it.

BOOK REPORT:

The San Fran Giants were five outs away from winning the World Series in 2002, but they got beat by a rally monkey. And in 1989, contrary to popular belief, the seismic waves that rocked the Bay Area and halted the Series were not related to platetonic shifting. The tremors that stopped the action at Candlestick Park were a result of the intense vaginal quivering of Will Clark when Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire's names were announced.

Osborne scolded Turner about winning divisions, and this makes no sense to me given the history of the Giants since coming to the Bay Area.

The Giants have only won their division seven times since moving to Cali. But the year that really has to hurt is 1993, in which the Giants squandered a 10-game lead down the stretch and lost the West to the Braves in what was considered to be the last pure penant race in baseball history (Wild Card playoff format introduced following the collapse to appease the aching gay community).

In 1997 and 2003, the Fighting Fish of Florida knocked the Giants out of the playoffs, most humorously in 2003 with a Giant being gunned down at home plate to conclude the season.

In 1998, the Giants ended their season tied for the Wild Card with the Cubs. With history on San Fran's side, the Giants choked against the most storied chokers in sports history in one-game playoff at Wrigley Field in which Kerry Wood completely owned San Fran.

More of the same was in store 2001, this time being elimated from playoff contention on the second to last day of the regular season.

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

While Atlanta's futility in 14 consecutive trips to the postseason is a fair point, at least we don't have to look back to our days in Milwaukee to talk about success. We need only go back 12 years. A shot heard round the world in 1954 is the only highlight San Francisco can cling to, and they were playing in New York when that happened. Put me in the lineup, Oz.

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: bones051103 (Chief J StrongBones) May 30 4:00pm 

Brian you watch your goddamn mouth and leave Will out of this. Ive had it with your gratuitous Thrill bashing. ENOUGH I TELL YOU. Vaginal quivering is impossible in his case. It has been well documented the Will has a penis. Its huge.

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: bricub1908 (Aiming 4 Mediocrity) May 30 4:26pm 

Well, any man with a penis would swing the bat with two hands. That one-hand finish bullshit is Exhibit A that Will has a mangina.

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 30 4:44pm 

Andruw is as retarded as the man who owns his beloved Braves. The point was not that the Giants have been successful. It is obvious that they have taken a page out of the Cubbie Book of Futility.

On that note, what else has Wood done in his illustrious career as a Cub? And how is Sweet Lou treating you? We could make this about the Giants and the Cubs if you want, but that was not the point.

The point is that Turner is a douche bag. Any team to win their division that many times without sniffing a series is either a) In the weakest division in all of professional sports (possible) or b) run by a mediocre management group with no aspirations of the ultimate glory.

If you are so enamoured with Andruw, make me an offer. Otherwise, quit your Thrill bashing and help Prior with his rehab. It is after all late May, doesn't he reserve his own wing at the local orthopedic surgical and recovery center this time of year?

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: bricub1908 (Aiming 4 Mediocrity) May 30 8:58pm 

I'm sorry you misunderstood poor Andruw, Oz. Andruw's point was that he needs to be in your lineup every day given that his stats through Wednesday are better than any other player with outfield eligibility on your squad. I guess I could have skipped all the Thrill bashing, but that just wouldn't be me.

And though I didn't send you an official offer for Andruw Jones, I told you on the phone last night that Barry Bonds is yours straight up for Andruw Jones. You declined that offer, and I find it funny that you would want Eric Byrnes for Andruw, but not for one of your own - the guy you stood up and cheered for in Colorado while the other 40,000 of us that have class showered him with boos.

And while it's true that Wood hasn't done anything notable since 2003, in 1998 he did own the team that three of my buddies adore, and that if he doesn't accomplish anything ever again, he did accomplish that.

As to me helping Prior out (and I can't believe I'm even humoring you with a response to the most overused joke in baseball), I'm not a fucking gynecologist.

Now, if you're so down on Andruw and he's not worthy of starting on your team, why don't you just drop him for someone who is? And the reason I haven't sent you any sort of official offer is that I prefer wasting my time on message boards, not wasting time sending trade proposals to people that tried taking my two best players last year for their two mainstays on the DL. Zambrano for Pedro ring a bell? Soriano for the Unit?

Finally, Sweet Lou. I love the grumpy old bastard. I don't need some dickhead with a toothpick and wristbands sticking his thumb up his ass all season and teasing me with the playoffs. I need Lou, a guy that sticks his thumb up the players' asses and at least attempts to light a fire and show some emotion when they're playing like.......well, the Cubs. Cubbies will be fine once someone steals their identity, which the Giants have been working on since 1954. One of these days we'll stop getting in the way of that.

Ted Turner's P.S.
by: bricub1908 (Jonesin' for Andruw) May 30 10:04pm 

Don't fucking lecture me on mismanagement when your team pays a near .500 pitcher the past four seasons a record salary. I know a lefty named Brian Ayers that could give up seven earned runs in four big league innings in his return to the Bay without walking seven - and that wouldn't cost me an average of $18 million a year for the next seven years. Nevermind that $16 million you're paying that over-the-hill, cheating, part-time employee Ayers is trying to trade you. He's worth every penny! (This description also applies to Clemens, only to the tune of $23 million).

Re: hi aaron. you horrible, horrible person
by: bricub1908 (Jonesin' for Andruw) May 30 11:32pm 

In Sawyer's defense, even though that post is a month old, it is still relevant and an open item of discussion a) because of it's insightfulness, and b) because you promised a response more than a month ago, which I am yet to receive despite at least one documented reminder and many in passing.

c) Sawyer is never out of gas.

Re: Ted Turner's P.S.
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 30 11:44pm 

Oh Teddy, still missing the boat. I have never and, until something changes (management), will never claim that the Giants are a well run team. Ayers would get teed off on like he was throwing slow pitch softball. Let's not fool ourselves. And beyond that, are you actually talking shit about Giants pitching? If they had any offense behind them there would be 0 statistical categories in which your staff would be ahead of them.
Let me throw out a few numbers. Giants team ERA 3.83, Braves 4.17. Giants total earned runs, 191, your total earned runs 214. Hell, the Giants have allowed less runs total (208) than your squad has allowed earned. Don't talk to me about pitching Ted.
You are washed up and irrelavant everywhere except your own mind. Plus, somebody stabbed you in the throat with a sharpened number 2 pencil. You won't even shut up when you are dead.

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) May 31 6:14am 

Andruw seems to be hung up on the trade offer. As you know, I am a dick and rarely share insights. I will make an exception here. Andruw needs to shut the fuck up and play for more than 3 days if wants to do anything besides book reports and brag about being the best (read "only") player from the Netherlands (read Curacao, an island off the coast of Venezuala, closer to Cuba than Europe).

In the key stats for our league (BA, R, HR, SB, RBI) Andruw is doing better than Byrnes is only one. That's right, he has 5 more RBIs. Even with his monster week so far. Score one to the "Shut the fuck up Andruw" team.

In some key indicators of possible things to come (G, SO, OPS) Andruw has a lead in exactly zero of those categories. Strike two for your "I want Andruw Jones nuts in my mouth" squad.

Hell, in about 30 less ABs, Andruw has about 20 more K's. He is on pace to K more than every hitter in MLB except Adam Dunn and B.J. Upton (ironic his name is B.J. considering your affection for Andruw). That looks like strike three for Jones. Something he is getting quite used to hearing this year.

Re: Ted Turner's P.S.
by: bricub1908 (Jonesin' for Andruw) May 31 9:54am 

I was talking shit about Zito being a guy that losing nearly as many as he wins the past four years and him earning $18 million a year.

Boast about Giants pitching all you want, but Ted Turner's team is 30-23 in the best division in the NL and in second place, Kevin Sabean's team is 25-26 in the second-best division in the NL and in second-to-last place.

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: bricub1908 (Jonesin' for Andruw) May 31 9:55am 

OK, since you've proven Byrnes' is a better player than Jones, propose the offer to Bones again, and I promise I won't veto. Should be a no-brainer for you.

Re: Ted Turner's P.S.
by: salz33 (Hi This Is ED!) May 31 10:20am 

*CAPS LOCK* GIANTS SUCK ASS!

Re: Andruw Jones' Book Report
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 1 12:59am 

Like Dylan said, "The times, they are a changin'". The purpose of the move was to get speed and average. Got that through free agency. I don't need an outfielder now. I will offer him another trade for Andruw though.

Baseball Game Erupts at Zambrano-Barrett Title Fight
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 2 4:54am

Chicago -- In a surprising turn of events, a baseball game erupted between the Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs late on Friday. What had been billed as the fight for the title of "Quickest to be Traded", was interrupted when the Atlanta Braves showed up at Wrigley Field.

While there had been speculation that Michael "The e Machine" Barrett could take Carlos "Z version 5.62" Zambrano, the rumors were quickly squashed. In a showing that will make even the burliest of hit batsmen think twice, Zambrano showed viewers how a sub-par contract year can really motivate a pitcher to throw down.

On pace to finish the season with an ERA over 2 full points higher than his career average, Z was a motivated pugilist. After an attempt to show up yet another player (not entirely undeserved this time) after his own mediocre performance was nothing but a prelude to the real fight in the locker room. Reports are that Barrett’s grill will never be the same despite the work of Chicago General hospital's finest interns (you didn't think the Cubs would actually spring for quality medical care for the loser, did you?).

The always level headed skipper of the Cubs, Lou Piniella, said he would careful evaluate each side of the story. After that, he vowed both players would be "beaten like a hooker getting donkey punched". Piniella went on to say more, but could not be understood. His voice had risen to such an octave in emotion that the sound waves were only able to be heard by bats, some aquatic mammals, and a freakish dwarf mutant named Paul.

At this point, it looks like Zambrano has started down the fast track to becoming a Yankee. We will continue to monitor the story as it evolves.

In related news, the Braves combined for 20 hits and 8 runs on the reeling Cubs, no thanks to perennial Gold Glover Andruw Jones. Jones when 1-5 with no runs or RBIs. There was a bright spot for Mr. Jones though. He did manage to avoid a K in his 5 trips to the plate.

Re: Baseball Game Erupts at Zambrano-Barrett Title Fight
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 2 1:54pm 

*Slow clap*

Second slow clap
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 2 3:06pm 

CHICAGO - "So much for Travel Mug Day," Cubs television broadcaster Len Kasper said moments after five hat kicks and a dirt-kicking tirade that led to the ejection of Cubs manager Lou Piniella, as well as thousands of promotional travel mugs from the bleachers at Wrigley Field on Saturday.

The turnstiles still turned until the seats were full at the Friendly Confines, and the Cubs failed to win again and ensured they will remain the headline act in the Comedy Central for all of eternity after a 5-3 loss to the Braves.

But the Cubs are not the only team in-fighting these days. Shooting for .500's well-documented internal war between owner Nick Osborne and Atlanta outfielder Andruw Jones added another chapter to the script for a matchup that looks not to be decided until the Sunday night game is over.

Jones,the best fantasy player not to play a game this week in the League of Shadows went yard shortly after play had resumed after being halted clean up the outfield. Somehow Jacque Jones was spared from collection.

But Andruw Jones' blast put one on the board for Atlanta, zero for Oz. It was Jones' second bench bomb this week, and as of 3 p.m. Saturday, Oz holds only a one-homer advantage over upset-poised Dugout Slugout.

The re-collected travel mugs will be handed out at the gates again tomorrow, as there will surely be 40,000 more masochists showing up to view another matinee of baserunning blunders, unearned runs and collective scapegoating.

"I think I'm a Cub fan on a subconsious level," Osborne said. "There is no good reason on God's green earth that Jones should not be starting for this week, yet I continue to invent one, much like Cub fans blame a goat for a near-century of shortcomings I will be able to relate to all too well by Sunday's end."

Re: Second slow clap
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 2 11:34pm

Omaha -- "Reports of infighting on the Shooting for .500 squad are greatly exagerated." said manager Nick Osborne in an interview Saturday. Osborne was responding to wild allegations by jealous Cubs fans looking for something to talk about other than their woeful "team".

"Andruw knows his place," Osborne went on to say, "and that bitch will ride the bench until I tell him to play." Osborne did acknowledge Jones HR today, but also noted "Willits took 2 bags. Last I checked, both HRs and SB categories count for 1 point in this leage, and we are leading or tied in each. Don't even get me started on pitching."

Osborne also acknowledged his affection for the underdog but added "I already have an underdog team, the Giants. At least I have seen them get the opportunity to blow a ring in my lifetime. The closest Cubs fans have gotten to a ring was the one vibrating around Steve Bartman's cock."

Jones continues to bitch. It appears that until he gets his K's under control, he will get plenty of time in "time out" to think about the shitty pitches he is swinging at trying to hit bombs to boost his upcoming free agency value instead of helping his real team, Shooting for .500.

Re: Second slow clap
by: scrillafrilla (Chinaman's return) Jun 3 4:27am 

In an oddball interview this weekend, Manager of out of the chase team "Chinaman's Return"; Eric Hrabovsky commented, "I don't see how Ospr0n can justify a tie".

It just doesn't make sense in my book??? You either play to win or go home. Sure if you need a push by gaining some stats you go for it, but striving for it and taking yourself out of a lock win in a another catagory sounds reasonable to drunk man like me".

Hrabovsky later went on to fall asleep at the end of the bench as his team seemed to follow in the field.

"Why doesn't Earl give me his best players for crap?", asked Aaron Sawyer. Hrabovsky failed to rebut, but did fart while he was snoring.

"Hrabovsky may end up turning his team around", commented long time soft ball comrad Brian Ayers. "He might, but I'm not holding my breath!"

We tried to reach the clubhouse of Chinaman's Return for further comment, however; we only recieve an answering machine with the message of - and sorry to print this to the public - "suck it bitches!"

Eric, Adults are talking here...
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 3 5:19am 

Eric, you have (again) missed the point. Children are to be seen and not heard, so back in your kennel.

I could have Andruw in my linup and get a couple more HRs this week, but those were by no means guarunteed before the games. What is guarunteed is that Andruw will only hit about .250 in a good year. I chose to take the better odds on the AVG category as opposed to the HR category. Both count the same. With Jones, you may get HR, but you can almost guarantee you are out of the running for average (if he gets enough at bats to actually give him the odds of going yard).

In fact, in 5 games this week, Jones has 2 HR and is hitting about 60 points above his career average (.265). Great week by Jone's standards, and pretty far from a "gurantee" as you put it.

Re: Second slow clap
by: salz33 (A Bump In The Road) Jun 4 12:01am 

Eric, it's very obvious that when you drink you think of me. While I have this effect on many girls whether drinkin' or not, this is and always has been, a no sausage party. You see, it makes me very nervous and uneasy. You have a problem my friend. Thinkin' that you're talkin' with me and that I'm sayin' all this nonsense to you.

B, I'm also gonna need your help on this one as I'm not as "knowledgable" when it comes to quoting individuals. It was my impression that it was very much against the law to do so and Eric has not only misquoted anything that I WOULD have said, had I actually been talking with him, but has also made him look more of a fool than Carlos Zambrono giving up 10 hits and 6 runs but getting pissed about a passed ball and then slugging his teammate out. I thought that type of thing only happened in Raider Camp 101 with Professor Romanowski. Please enlighten me on the situation as myself and the Mansion Legal Team prepare to possibly press charges against wHore-abovsky for Slander, Message Board Intoxication, and Stupidity.

On a final note, I would just like to leave something for the "original" League Of Shadows Fantasy Team and its Commish to ponder, and that is this:

Is it truly possible that Eric may be banned from the message board before Sawyer (the Rasheed Wallace of Fantasy Ball) is this year? Talk amongst yourselves. Mansion updates to follow.

Re: Second slow clap
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 4 12:42pm 

Sawyer,

I think the Mansion Legal Team definitely has a case to pursue in regard to the posting while intoxicated charge (PWI), which would be Whore-bovski's "Strike 3."

The legal challenge is that while in the state of Nebraska, a third-offense PWI would banish him from the message board, not only for the season, but for life. But what the courts are going to have to decide is that even though the League of Shadows is based in Nebraska and to state laws, the message was posted on the Internet, which is largely unregulated. This case will set a precedent for message board crime for all future League of Shadows seasons.

As to the slander charge, one cannot be sought against Whorebovski without offering the accused an opportunity to publish a retraction if no such conversation took place. I can attest that the alleged conversation with myself did occur, and that he did fart while in sleep.

I have filed the case, Eric Whorebovsky vs. the State of the Mansion. Mr. Hrabovsky, if you cannot afford an attorney, a public defender will be provided to you, and Brian Ayers has offered to defend your case pro bono, provided that Zambrano does not continue to blow ass this season.

Many of you will be receiving jury duty notices this week.

Whorebovski's Chance
by: salz33 (A Bump In The Road) Jun 4 1:22pm 

According to Ayers:

"As to the slander charge, one cannot be sought against Whorebovski without offering the accused an opportunity to publish a retraction if no such conversation took place. I can attest that the alleged conversation with myself did occur, and that he did fart while in sleep."

So, here is the opportunity. Get it done, or we will see you in Fantasy League Court.

Re: Season Bests (week 9 update)
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 4 6:37pm 

Damn Oz, bummer falling short of that K record you promised me you'd break last week. Maybe if you would've started Andruw Jones, you could have, and then you'd understand what it's like being good 'ol awesome me.

So, 12 teams, less depth, more balance, right? Not quite. League leader Dave Cihal has established a double-digit lead in the standings by the first week of June.

Cubby Chubby's winning ways are through no fault of my own, as of his first 10 opponents, I represent the victorious 10 percent. It is due to this stat that I dedicate Britney Spears' "Oops, I Did it Again" for the rest of the league shitting the bed as always during Cihal week, save Bones and Boone, and Bones is already giving Cihal a free W, just like Britney gave us a free peek.

The defeatist bullshit in Bones' smack bar is precisely the reason Cihal owns this league, well, that and he's better than you. But you'd think a hippie like Bones' Avatar would be open to "positive thoughts producing positive results."

Re: Second slow clap
by: scrillafrilla (Chinaman's return) Jun 4 7:21pm

The league can ban me all they want, but they cannot take my rights.

I will see you in court and rather than having my t-shirt say "Suck it Bitches!", it will say "Fuck this court".

I am the Larry Flint of the Fantasy League of Justice. I will take you up on that pro-bono representation Mr. Ayers. Hell, if you pick up Tadihito Iguchi off the FA wire, I might even trade Carlos Beltran and Robinson Cano to you, unlike rejecting that same trade offer earlier in the season from someone that I cannot name.

Do me well, and I will do you well, no drunken puns intended. (Don't get a big head, person I cannot mention, because even though I saw Oz naked for years I was never turned on by it).

Speaking of, you never told the story about you and his supposed "run in" at the mansion, but I guess that too would be "slander".

Re: Second slow clap
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 4 7:33pm 

Very well, Mr. Whorebovsky. As your attorney, I advise you to avoid public comment about the trial and instead call a bunch of press conferences that strengthen your public image, such as your recent acquisition of C.C. Sabathia.

And while you are sure to face scrutiny for bringing some dirty laundry over with Barry Bonds involved in the deal, the timing is ideal as you can use each of his next 10 home runs as opportunities to restore face in the court of public opinion.

But nothing makes a controversy go away like unbelievable triumph on the diamond. You have the opportunity to do that before your accuser this week. A head-to-head W against him would almost guarantee you skate out of this thing with a newfound respect amongst your cohorts because unlike Sawyer, you actually back up your talk. This will be the basis of our legal attack - to destroy his credibility, which he does for us routinely.

So let's start out with a small gesture that Whorebovsky is a changing man and rid your team of the insensitive moniker of Chinaman's return. We'll discuss this behind closed doors.

Re: Season Bests (week 9 update)
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 4 8:44pm 

Careful Mr. Ayers or you will have a slander suit yourself. It was not Ks I was shooting for, it was Ws. It wasn't a guaruntee, just a guaruntee that I would take the W and K categories from you last week. After all, you didn't even bother to try for them.
Unfortunately, my pitching staff took a big fat poop on the living room floor after our conversation. As such I am unable to put my name on any record list other than the one last week that says "6-4". I appreciate you allowing me to inch closer to my goal of mediocrity.

Re: Season Bests (week 9 update)
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 6 6:58pm 

I stand corrected. Glad to help you achieve your goal of mediocrity. And I'll go ahead and ignore that your mediocre team had its best performance of the season in five categories and that I benched all but two starters to lose 6-4.

And I you're right, "I think I'm going to break your K record this week" is hardly a guarantee.

My retraction is:

Nick Osborne did not guarantee that he would be break Brian Ayers' strikeout record. That would require more balls than he has. He merely wet his finger, stuck it up in the breeze and made a forecast that he thought I'd forget about all together. Dugout Slugout recognizes his victory, which should have been a 9-1 win had a less tactical with my team faced off with him that week.

Fuck This Court! unfucks its image
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 6 8:46pm

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) - You cannot unscrew a pregnant lady, but apparently you can unfuck your image. Days after Eric Whorebovsky's third-offense PWI was issued, he completed the first phase of his image restoration project by ridding his team of a few lightning rods for controversy and bringing in a few less polarizing personalities.

Even more impressive than Whorebovsky's Tank Johnson-like change of heart are the leaps and bounds his team has gained in competitiveness with the move. With three teams indirectly involved in the transaction, the often intoxicated poster married Roy Halladay and C.C. Sabathia to the front end of his rotation. In the process, he replaced the teammate-beating Carlos Zambrano and cameraman-shoving Kenny Rogers, both cancers to a reputation already far less than sparkling.

Also leaving Fuck This Court! in the deal was Adrian Gonzalez, who landed with Zambrano and Rogers to join the most volatile clubhouse in fantasy baseball, Dugout Slugout, in return for Sabathia and Barry Bonds.

"We were already on red alert with guys like Bonds, Sheffield, Sosa, Myers and Schmidt here, as well as two Yankees," Dugout Slugout owner Brian Ayers said. "Getting rid of Bonds definitely improves the atmosphere, but with Zambrano and Rogers coming this way, we're going to have to start bringing the riot gear to team meetings. I'm just hoping Gonzalez doesn't get shanked on the flight over."

Whorebovsky acquired Halladay in a deal inolving two Bluejays with Channeling'89. Vernon Wells came with him at the cost of Kevin Youkilis and Carlos Beltran.

"It was a bummer having to let both of those guys go," Whorebovsky said. "But after Youk did that Geico commercial, we felt we had no choice, and having a guy that pitched two weeks after his appendectomy, that's only going to win this organization sympathy. You don't get that with a New York guy like Beltran."

Whorebovsky is also an opportunist as he acquired Bonds as he approaches the peak of his headlines.

"He's going to break Hank's record wearing a Fuck This Court! jersey. Eat it Selig!" Whorebovsky said. "I fully expect the change in uniform and a more clear understanding of purpose stitched across it to jumpstart Barry to what is legally and rightfully his."

Teammates and Partners?
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 8 3:50pm

Chicago -- This just in. Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett are planning a weekend trip to Massachusetts. Massachusetts is the only state in the Union to allow actual same sex marriages as opposed to simple domestic partnerships.

While neither play would comment about the coincidence, ESPN.com is reporting that two have made up after their title bout last week. Zambrano said “He came to me the next day, and he apologized and I apologized to him and we cried.” Barrett added “I love him enough to move forward.”

When asked about the possible marriage of two of his players, Piniella said “Fucking queers. I knew I should have stayed retired.” He then kicked dirt on several reporters and made contact with one. MLB is expected to hand down an additional suspension later today.

Zambrano and Barrett, know in the media now as Barrbrano, were seen leaving Lifetime Network headquarters early this morning. The rumor mill is reporting that Lifetime beat out WGN for the exclusive rights for the made for TV movie.

ESPN.com was used as a source for this article. http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2897647

Re: Teammates and Partners?
by: bricub1908 (Dugout Slugout) Jun 8 3:56pm 

Assault and Batterymates until death do them part.

Re: Teammates and Partners?
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 8 7:33pm 

*slow clap*

Re: Teammates and Partners?
by: bones051103 (Channelling'89) Jun 9 12:20am 

all this limp wristed cubby talk makes me smile.
and save your san francisco jokes if you would. theres a lot of gays there. we get it.

Ex-teammates and current partners
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 9 4:58pm

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. -- This just in. Barry Zito didn't have to go all the way to Massachusetts to get rammed in the ass. The $10 million dollar man for the (they might be) Giants didn't display fisticuffs in the dugout.

Rather, Zito showed his affection for his ex-teammates by allowing almost everybody in the Oakland A's lineup to take a hit at him in less than five innings of work on Saturday.

Only Dan Johnson and Dan Haren abstained from tagging Zito, which confirms Zito will give it up to anybody not named Dan.

"So Bones and Oz still have a shot at a three-way with Zito in the offseason," Dan Wheeler said.

NOTES: Zito's career BAA is .234 and BAA versus people named Dan is .190. Going into Saturday, people named Dan are hitting .282 in the majors this season.

Pay-Rod's contract with the Rangers was to highest AL hitter's salary as Zito's contract with the Giants was to highest NL pitcher's salary.

Dan Trumblee was not used as a source in this article.

Re: Ex-teammates and current partners
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 9 8:20pm 

Barry Zito is a fag. He should be traded for a real pitcher, but it is the Giants. I love 'em, but they are killing me slowly. Bobby Bonds' son needs to break the record and retire so the Giants can bring in players who can hit AND play defense AND play more than twice a week. It is the NL, there is no place for a defensive liability in the batting order unless they strike mutha fuckas out. Bonds and Zito have to go (after Barry breaks the record of course).

Out of Office
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 13 9:49pm 

This is an automated reply -- Nick Osborne, manager of Shooting for .500, will be out of the office until Monday June 18th due to a golf trip.

In his absence, please direct all complaints about Andruw Jones playing time to his life partner, Brian Ayers. Brian is a graphic artist who specializes in getting beat by Jones' team. Jones, for those who don't know, is a fantasy player who specializes in pulling splinters out of his ass.

Happy Father's Day.

Re: Out of Office
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 17 1:00am 

Oz's office assistant, Paul Byrd, will be organizing an office party while his boss is out of town. The Cleveland pitcher is 0-1 with a 12.00 ERA, 2.33 WHIP and 7 Ks in two starts since leaving El Caballo. Drafted and dropped earlier this year by Oz, Byrd went 4-1 under El Caballo pitching coach Paul Splittorff.

Woodmen Watch
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 17 2:07am

OMAHA, Neb. -- Extra security has been in place throughout Omaha during the College World Series.

On Saturday night, Woodmen of the World placed extra guards on the roof of the Woodmen tower after a report of a potential jumper from the iUSA League of Shadows.

"There was a rumor last week that Bones might jump off the Woodmen if he didn't get a win from one of his pitchers," Shadows commish Ben Schroeder said. "I'd just like to remind Bones not to do anything drastic. Heck, El Caballo didn't even get a W last week. You're still close enough in a lot of categories against Sawyer this week."

Tensions escalated over the weekend as Sawyer has led Monday through Saturday, regaining 9-0 shutout status going into the final day after Bones brought their week 11 score to 7-2 Friday night. Bones, who hasn't had a lead let alone a victory since May, had league historians sifting through dusty records from week eight for evidence of a Still Thrillin lead.

Other managers released statements wishing Bones good luck on Sunday, even Darkhorse manager Aaron Sawyer.

"Earlier this year I received a lot of support from my fellow managers and I climbed back in the saddle," he said. "Ayers kicked me right back out again, but look at me now! Oh right..."

When reached for comment, Bones made a quick statement in between roster flushes.

"I will be posting a message just for you in the very near future," Bones said. "Seriously."

Quarter Season Team Names Winners & Losers
by: fullphledged (The One Hitters) Jun 18 7:13am 

The spectrum is fairly well represented here between solid and futile. Names often provide a glimpse inside the collective psyche of any team. As always, plural rallying cries are applauded and singular possessives automatically get you on the loser’s list. Don’t know when this started but it was stupid then and it is stupid now. Yeah that’s you Morneau’s Nose…hahaha neau’s sounds like nose...and Tim Hudson’s Shin. Speaking of Tim Hudson’s Shin, they are the Alex Gordon of Team Names…We think they might be capable of something good, but they sure as hell haven’t proven it yet.
We kind of like the Draft Dodgers as it has a legitimate level of validity and is a reputable rallying cry for the team as whole – it was especially effective early in the season when this squad was in first as it offers the connotation of “You can’t catch us”. The drawback here is the relation to the weakest military president that this country will ever see and nobody needs a baseball team that is soft defensively. Christ’s Curveballers is going to offend a lot of people but is edgy and after all, who is going to argue with their front office? Not to mention it is always good when a squad has a strong pitching foundation or at least claims to have one. The rare plural possessive gets a pass here. The international appeal of El Caballo puts it on the winner’s list and out of all the teams it is the only one trademarked and legally poised for peripheral profit. We’ll go ahead and ignore the fact that it translates to “The Horsie.” The One Hitters is decent because it inherently describes their affinity for the top and that they can hit the fuck out of the ball, but those assholes need to stop insinuating that they do more drugs than they actually do. The Darkhorse makes it on the winners list just because of the faith they have in a clichéd name that clearly isn’t working and their intense underground following known as the Darkherd.
Fuck this Court!? Fuck you for watering down this league with your bush league team. Shooting Myself? Go For it dude, or you can just let everyone else in here continue to kill you.
We don’t mind having Still Thrillin around because they are the ones who mistakenly think that everybody else is laughing with them and not at them… but hey, if you guys think you are thrilling somebody, then who cares about everybody else’s opinion in the world. Shooting for .500 is not that inspiring and a verb phrase is no way to go… although I can see the confusion of that being cool by thinking that the Miami Heat were termed after the act of applying an open flame to poached salmon. And of course, who wouldn’t get up for Cubby Chubby’s 79er.

Re: Quarter Season Team Names Winners
by: maltlickas (Draft Dodgers) Jun 18 8:52am 

Enjoyable read.

I've actually been the Draft Dodgers all year because I missed the actual draft and had others pick my team, which is why I was in first briefly and why Cihal handed me my ass this week. Somehow he drafted a team that is good enough to compete, but is totally exploitable the week he plays me. Nice work.

Re: Quarter Season Team Names Winners
by: lgrosse22 (Morneau's Nose) Jun 18 9:18am 

More than just the poetic lyricism of the name Morneau's Nose, this classy moniker is layered with meaning. The team's namesake and reigning AL MVP had a relay ball take a nasty bounce and bust him in the schnoz on Saturday, May 12th.

Over the next two games, Morneau went 5 for 10 with 2 home runs, 2 RBI and 5 runs, prompting the name change.

In addition, as the stalwart of the team owned and managed by Luke Grosse, Morneau is leading the club in Home Runs (20), RBI (54) and is tied for second in Runs scored (48) with the venerable Jose Reyes.

As you can see, Morneau's Nose is more than just a cute rhyme. It's a deep and intricate expression of the strength of this team, even and especially in times of adversity. It's the essence of what it means to rally around a team leader who shows up to the ballpark everyday, no matter how much blood has stained his uniform, no matter how many stitches it took to mend him, and no matter how much pain he's in.

Although the team is often not a winner, the team name is certainly more than what you suggest. As for ranking other team names? Well, I guess I'll leave that up to you, even though I think I've pretty well determined just how unqualified you are for that position. ;)

Re: Quarter Season Team Names Winners
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 18 6:28pm 

Being new to the league, I can see how you could mistake the name of my squad for something uninspiring. All I can say is that my team is in better shape than it was last year. In fact, I believe the name was the true motivation behind the 7-2 Duece Shoot stretcher you took a couple weeks ago. Besides, with Cihal in the league, a name like "Future League Champs" would just be empty bravado. I will leave that to the "Real League Champs", eh Sawyer?

ohhhh doctor!
by: bones051103 (Still Thrillin) Jun 20 3:10am 

HELL - Losing convincingly to Aaron Sawyer's Darkhorse can cause an owner to contemplate some pretty drastic behavior.

I will not, however, be throwing myself off of Omaha's second tallest skyscraper. You can call off the Woodmen Watch, Ben. Keep the paperwork handy, though. You know, just in case.
I will not be raping the waiver wire or sending out mass trade requests. It's time for yet another approach.

Before I get to some exciting news, a quick note....My long time friend and rival Mr. Brian Ayers has recently seen fit to publicly ridicule my rookie management style. He does this partly because my style of play annoys him greatly, but mostly because it frightens him. Ok it mostly annoys him.

Powerless feeling, isn't it Brian... watching players flying on and off the waiver wire...not always knowing why..."What's the motive?", you must ask yourself..over and over and over and over. "What's that son of a gun up to now?", I'm sure you wonder. "Why can't he just stick with the fuckin team he drafted? Why did he even come? Why is he always at my house and using my computer?..." If you had a nickel, right? I mean am I right people? Anyway I'm losing focus but basically, Brian, just quit being so in love and obsessed with me, n-k? It's disgusting.

Enough negativity. I'm not naive enough to think that all of my roster moves have been prudent. Of course they haven't. The problem is that I havent had a voice of reason whispering in my ear. No yin to my yang. No Sigfreid to my Roy. Those of you who have not succome to boredom and quit reading this are in for a little treat. We here at Still ThrillINC are very excited to introduce a new member of our family. In light of my recent losing ways and out of control be-waive-ior, I have decided to tap into one of today's great baseball minds. By acquiring his services, I have once again vaulted my team back into the post-season conversation.

Dr. Sol Rosenpenis is a little known but well hung sports psychologist and talent scout. His eye for talent is undeniable...he once saw a 7-year-old Ryan Howard at a hitting camp and noted, "That boy has all the tools to be a big leaguer and his penis must be completely massive and beautiful."

His unorthodox style has kept him away from anything near a professional ball club for several years, so taking a position as assistant to the director of player managment(that's me) was a risk he was willing to take.

He will assist with scouting, as well as impart his unique motivational style. His impact is already being felt on the field and in the locker room.

His idea for postgame 'single bar of soap' team showers has the team more united and playful than we've ever been.

Have we gone soft? Hardly.

No, in fact, Dr. Rosenpenis has shown us that subtle gayness sprinkled in any locker room can be beneficial. Why, just the other day I overheard a couple of the guys in the jacuzzi..."Oh that's fabulous...put a little stank on the next one, Carlos!"...It's unclear what the hell they were doing or talking about, but they were enjoying themselves, and that's what we need around here.

Basically, if Dr. Rosenpenis is sellin it, we're buyin it. Just 2 days into the experiment, these straight guys are lookin through queer eyes at their first lead in what seems like months.

I could go on and on and on about all the positive changes around here, but I'm late for shirtless poker night over at Beltran's place, so I'll sign off with a final thought...When all seems lost, and you're perched at the top of your skyscraper of choice...Believe...you never know when a fictional over the top gay guy will pull you from the ledge and into his arms. Figuratively.

Re: ohhhh doctor!
by: bricub1908 (Beaver Eaters) Jun 20 10:36am 

I think we need to frame that one. Welcome to the Message Board Hall of Fame, Bones. I'm fucking crying and the entire international team here at work just looked over at me because I'm a little out of control right now. They probably think I'm upset. Maybe I'll go home early today because Uncle Sol Rosenpenis passed away.

Re: ohhhh doctor!
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 20 3:39pm 

Well done sir, well done.

Richie Sexson?
by: bricub1908 (Beaver Eaters) Jun 21 9:41am 

What the hell are you up to Cihal? Sounds like the 1919 BlackSox to me.

Re: Richie Sexson?
by: soulfood724 (Cubby Chubby) Jun 21 9:53am 

Richie was signed to a one day contact on a day in which I only had two other offensive players going. That is the only way Richie would ever make the Cubby Chubby roster this year, especially after I drafted him last year and witnessed many 0-fers in the short time that I had him. He has had 6 hits in his last three games and has homered the last two. Hopefully he can hit one more out today.

The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: salz33 (Boone Collector) Jun 22 2:10pm 

....and so is my johnson! - Slider

Still holding strong at #1 for all of eternity is the gut-bomb of the Fantasy Baseball Gods after a hearty dinner of bean burritos with extra refried beans, none other than Kevin Mench. This gastric-intestinal back-up, ring of fire leaving piece of doo doo has actually tried to contribute this season, much to my dismay. However, he quickly reverts back to his old ways of sucking donkey balls and has yet to find himself on a roster. Congratulations on your room-clearing stench and painful sting of that which can only be described as having 2 large Oz-like children covered in hot sauce squeezed out of your butthole!

Moving up the charts not to be out done is the soon to be your grocery bagger at Bakers, Dustin Pedroia. Not only has this no-talent ass clown been but a speck on the fantasy board, he has been no existent up until last week. This man sausage-smoking tool managed to pull an Alex Rodriguez on me last week, having 1 day in which he unloads for 10 Runs, 3 Bombs, and 15 RBI’s IN THE SAME AT BAT. Get serious, you’re at #2.

At the 3 spot, we find former Dark Horse catcher Brian McCann. SUCK IT YOU PUSSY! Seriously, week 1 you hit 3 bombs and have 6 RBI’s, then you just die!?! What a wasted roster space. Would never fail that as soon as I trade your stupid ass, you miraculously become 100% healthy and hit 2 bombs in 2 straight games. This one is almost my own stupid fault for thinkin’ that you might be worth a crap when drafting you. All the more reason you never, never go against the family. My apologies to Martin, who was dumbfoundingly traded for with McCann’s 800 ranked ass! This is the only reason that you are not #2.

The 4 spot belongs to Gay-Rod. He’s barely clutching this spot because as soon as Sunday rolls around, he will be moved to #2. Sawyer Sunday is Gay-Rod’s favorite time of the season, because that’s where he is a non factor for the entire week and then on the last night of the match up, he goes off for redonkulous numbers, hitting at least 6, million mile home runs and stealing more bags than Oz on Halloween night. It’s just inevitable. I hate you.

Finally, bringing up the ass of the list, just he is in the line is the over-rated, over-paid for tool in centerfield for the Dodgers, Juan Pierre. Talk about just showin’ up for a paycheck, way to mail it in before the season is even half over. This pile of cow turds hasn’t hit for average the entire season and has been picked off more times than he even was last year in less than half the season. On top of this, he day that he gets sat in the line-up, he decides to show up and play, stealing 3 bags and scoring 3 runs. You are officially the worst investment the state of California has ever seen, AND THE RAIDERS EVEN SIGNED A 90-YEAR OLD JEFF GEORGE LAST YEAR TO PLAY QB! My frustrations continue, but are eased by the thoughts of a 6’6”, 265 LBS. warrior wearing #2 that has Markakis-like status in Sawyer’s book leading us to the promise land this year.

Honorable Mention: Kenji Johjima, Derrick Turnblow, and Jorge Posada.

SPECIAL NOTE: Oz-Nuts was up for a potential #2 spot because of his stupidity and lack of common sense when it comes to legitimate trades and simply opening his mouth. Way to tuck tail and run you when Ayers calls you out on Andruw Jones. If he’s so bad, you sure ask a lot for nothin’. Here, how about we trade this: I’ll give you David Wright and Miguel Cabrera, plus this….UGH….UGH……UGH..AH….this huge pile of shit, and you go pick up Dioner Navarro (by the way Ben, that’s who’s the lowest ranked player – kinda funny) and then trade me him and Jones. You were only disqualified because of we're only worrying about fantasy players at this point.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 3:46pm 

Perhaps it is just you that I don't want to trade with Sparky. But hey, do what you do buddy. Interesting that you think B called me out on that. I suppose if you knew the whole story, or read all the posts you would be better informed. I will use small words so as not to confuse you. I hate Andruw and there is no reason for him to be on my roster other than the amusement it gives me to see you and Brian cry about him not being in the lineup. That is worth more in entertainment value to me than either of you are willing to trade for him.

P.S. I like the list. Your weak attempts at talking smack to me throughout, as your track record has proven is always the case, could use some work. Work on it and get back to me buddy.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 22 4:36pm 

"Perhaps it is just you that I don't want to trade with Sparky."

Uhm, add me to that list.

"I hate Andruw and there is no reason for him to be on my roster other than the amusement it gives me to see you and Brian cry about him not being in the lineup."

I would have overpaid for Andruw three weeks ago when you were saying I was on drugs. And the three of us have had plenty of mileage laughing at you trying to manage Andruw (see also: 0-fer-8 doubleheader). I guess you're just shooting to get half of Andruw's HRs in your lineup this year.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 5:08pm 

Admittedly, the double header sucked. I don't remember you making an offer for Andruw. Were other players involved? That could have been the reason, but I am just throwing it out there. I am glad I can bring some amusement to your day.

P.S. Glad you are sticking up for your boyfriend. I wish you two the best.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: bricub1908 (Beaver Eaters) Jun 22 5:20pm 

Trade with Oz?.....we're halfway through his second season and he has made zero trades in fantasy ball. Grant it, last year, there was no talent worthy of a trade on that suckass team, but we are dealing with the guy that thinks Delgado for Konerko was a joke of an offer this year. In hindsight, the only decent offer he's ever made turns out to be Andruw Jones and Frank Thomas for Eric Byrnes, and if you want to justify that Reggie Willits has satisfied any need you had at the time of the Byrnes offer, well, it looks like you're not the only laughing at others in here. You are the biggest of bitches when it comes to making trades. Bottom line, I did deflate your Byrnesie boner, and you are stuck with Andruw as a result. Enjoy the sodomy the rest of the way.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 5:38pm I am not a big fan of being sodomized, but what can you do? How many perrenial all stars have the worst season of their career in a contract year? It seems that there is a lot of love out there for Mr. Jones verbally, but nobody wants to back it up with an offer (other than guys who are going to be on the waiver wire within the next couple weeks). I should have taken the Byrnes for Jones 1-1 but at the time I still had a morsel of faith left in Jones. Now that is gone.

settle down everyone
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 22 5:45pm such tension heading into the weekend...tell you what guys... why dont we all blow off a little steam tonite... at midnight sharp everyone is invited to Pedroia's parents house for cosmos and interactive massage night...see you there, candypants.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 22 5:45pm 

I offered you Jason Bay for Andruw Jones and you said "You do a lot of drugs don't you?"
Bay responded with a monster effort in week nine, but has since matched Andruw in futility. Time to print off that trade proposal and put it up in the locker room. I need that fuckin Canuck to not suck during Cihal Week.

Re: settle down everyone
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 22 5:47pm 

LOL, I'm sending Jason Bay as he wears El Caballo's candypants.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 5:47pm 

"but has since matched Andruw in futility"

So, are you complimenting my ability to see it was not worthwhile or criticising my overestimation of Andruw's ability to overcome his sprained uterus in a contract year?

Re: settle down everyone
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 5:48pm 

If it is based on who wears the candypants for the squad, Andruw will be there early.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: bricub1908 (Beaver Eaters) Jun 22 5:54pm 

Morsel of faith left in Jones?

Have you read your own posts that week? Let me quote you:

"In the key stats for our league (BA, R, HR, SB, RBI) Andruw is doing better than Byrnes is only one. That's right, he has 5 more RBIs. Even with his monster week so far. Score one to the 'Shut the fuck up Andruw' team."

"Hell, in about 30 less ABs, Andruw has about 20 more K's. He is on pace to K more than every hitter in MLB except Adam Dunn and B.J. Upton (ironic his name is B.J. considering your affection for Andruw). That looks like strike three for Jones. Something he is getting quite used to hearing this year."

"Hell, in about 30 less ABs, Andruw has about 20 more K's. He is on pace to K more than every hitter in MLB except Adam Dunn and B.J. Upton (ironic his name is B.J. considering your affection for Andruw). That looks like strike three for Jones. Something he is getting quite used to hearing this year."

"In related news, the Braves combined for 20 hits and 8 runs on the reeling Cubs, no thanks to perennial Gold Glover Andruw Jones. Jones when 1-5 with no runs or RBIs. There was a bright spot for Mr. Jones though. He did manage to avoid a K in his 5 trips to the plate."

"Andruw knows his place," Osborne went on to say, "and that bitch will ride the bench until I tell him to play."

"What is guarunteed is that Andruw will only hit about .250 in a good year. I chose to take the better odds on the AVG category as opposed to the HR category. Both count the same. With Jones, you may get HR, but you can almost guarantee you are out of the running for average (if he gets enough at bats to actually give him the odds of going yard)."

Not finding even a slight morsel of faith in Andruw there, just more of you being fulla shit.

If you're going to improve your ways in future negotiations, which I'm sure you won't, I've got a couple tips for you:

1. You mentioned the ChiSox offense was so superior to the Mets' that Konerko for Delgado was a rape of an offer from me. Check a fucking stat sheet before you run your mouth. Shit, for that you wouldn't even need a stat sheet, just be a casual observer of the sport. Just looking at the box scores of the White Sox from Day 1 to present vs. those of the Mets, should tell you that was a real dumbass thing to say.

2. There is no monetary investment in fantasy baseball. Nobody is looking to cut salary, so I don't know where you think the firesale is going to come from, but nevertheless you act as if we're all financially committed, and looking to save bucks for next season based on Oz trade offers.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 22 5:56pm 

I'm criticizing your instinct to hit the reject trade button before thinking shit through. At least Bay carried me for two weeks. The best you got is that Andruw amuses you (see also: parading around in his candypants for you).

Now then, reply with a cheap shot about Chiefs fans, admit Andruw peed in your ass and let's move on.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 22 6:06pm 

Sorry B, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I admit that I am shit at trades. Probably always will be, but such is life. Morsel of faith doesn't mean I am going to give him keys to the house. It just meant I was not ready to drop him yet. Most of the shittiest offers are counter offers to offers I didn't think were worthwhile. They were not legit trade offers. Sorry again if I hurt your feelings and you took them as such. Your comments about being full of shit are insightful. To point nubmer 1, I figured they would be pretty even offensively. I though Konerko would have more opportunities for RBIs because pitchers would have to pick him or Thome. You win some, you lose some. As to point number 2, you are the one getting all worked up about it. I am trying to kill time on a very slow Friday night at work. Are you sure you aren't the one that has anything more than a little friendly competition involved?

Ben, no Cheifs cheap shots are necessary. Andruw did fuck my team. I have moved on. Everybody else keeps wanting to bring it up.

Re: The list is long, but distinguished.....
by: bricub1908 (Beaver Eaters) Jun 22 7:55pm 

I resent the word "friendly" from your last post.

Thanks a bunch!
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 26 2:56am 

Hey there cuties...Just wanted to give a quick thanks to those of you who helped the Hardbodies celebrate our shutout victory by attending Sol's 'Rockout wit ur Cockout Pool Party & BBQ'. May I say you all looked tremendous as the sun glistened off of your bouncing, buoyant buns.

A quick apology, though, on behalf of Chris 'Candyass' Ray. He says it was a combination of the heat and one too many mojitos that caused him to run around like a smacked ass trying to go down on everyone. But, as expected, Steve Pache came through and offered to swap 'humm-dingers' with him. What a sport....

Re: Thanks a bunch!
by: fullphledged (The One Hitters) Jun 26 7:04am 

Whatever Fucker - You don't even have close to enough money to get me to show up at one of your parties. Hopefully one of those mojitos will get you out of your season long smackboard slump.

Re: Thanks a bunch!
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 26 10:33am 

Looks like Fuentes spent too much time in the rainbow district of Chicago before pitching the ninth last night. I guess it's hard to save a game at Wrigley knowing that a wirey little fella with a big stick like Soriano is so hot right now. The gerbil in Fuentes' ass didn't help, either.

Anyway, Basedow said he wants to do some crunches with Sol later tonight. Richard Simmons wanted to come, too, but I told him just the girls tonight.

Re: Thanks a bunch!
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 26 3:33pm 

Oh stevie dont be such a fuddy-duddy. Youre right, I probably can't afford your appearance fee...but if you show up you can have a whole hour with the team gerbil. Now I'm speakin your language, right?

Re: Thanks a bunch!
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 26 3:41pm 

Yes Brian, I offer no excuses for the way Mr. Fuentes blew up last night. Why should he expect to have the night off when his team only trailed the Cubbies by 5 runs going into the ninth. That loveable bullpen of yours gave up the lead before they managed to record an out, so of course he had no time to coax the gerbil out of his ass before taking the hill. It's his own fault and he'll be receiving a stern talking to and a little corrective training which should enable him to expedite gerbil removal should we find ourselves in the same position in the coming days.

Re: Thanks a bunch!
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 26 5:04pm 

Looks like Fuentes has changed his ways quite a bit since he was my closer. A snake used to take care of that problem, lick-ity split.

Re: corrective training
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 26 11:31pm 

Bones on Colorado closer Brian Fuentes after blowing the save in Colorado's Monday loss at Wrigley:

"It's his own fault and he'll be receiving a stern talking to and a little corrective training which should enable him to expedite gerbil removal should we find ourselves in the same position in the coming days."

Now don't you worry about that. With Z on the hill going for the sweep tomorrow against Colorado, tell Rabies-anus Fuentes he can leave that gerbil up there through Wednesday at least......Now if you could tell Dr. Rosenpenis to stop slipping roofies into my offense's Gatorade, that'd be great.........Eric Byrnes eats poop.

I'm suprised you can even dress yourself.......
by: salz33 (Out On A Ledge) Jun 27 12:05am 

Normally I would just shoot stuff like this down with little fuss and a smart ass comment, but Oz, you have officially been dubbed as the dumbest man on the planet. I get home from the gym tonight and this is what I find:

This trade has been proposed to you in iUSA League of Shadows (1886).

Shooting for .500 Offers Out On A Ledge Shaun Marcum for J.J. Put with these comments:

from Shooting for .500:
You need a starter, I need a closer. Marcum is one of the hottest starters in the last month and has thrown well all season. If you don't like it (because you don't really want a starter), make a counter.

I don't need a starter. What I need are outfielders that can hit! And how can you even justify offering this trade. You're going to send me a piece of shit pitcher for at this point in the season, the most automatic closer in baseball (arguably of course)! Unless Cihal agrees with me that Marcum is the Nolan Ryan of this era, Oz, in your own words, the only think I think of when I see this is my dick in your mouth 'cause this is your say of sayin' that you want to blow me! With this trade proposal, I will officially nominate you for the Stupid Drunken-Ass Manager of the year, surpassing Eric for all of eternity. At least the Pierre for Jones made sense. This one may be the dumbest thing I've ever seen. I'm so pissed off about this dumbass trade that I may have to head back to the gym just to work out my rage and frustration with even being associated with you as a fellow Raider fan. *RING* *RING*, Hold on.....Hello? Hey Al, how's it going? Yeah, you heard about it too, huh? That's what I thought, Oz is a huge tool. What's that? You say you know you've made some stupid ass trades before and have ran raider nation in the ground but this trade takes the cake, huh? I know what you mean. Yeah, I'll tell Oz that even the Raiders no longer want to be associated with a tard like Oz. For sure, I'll let him know for you! Take care!

Yeah, Oz, you've officially been banished as a Raider fan as well. We don't want you around these parts. When you pull your head out of your ass, maybe we'll reconsider. But you obviously have it shoved so far up there, you may not make it out ever again.

Re: I'm suprised you can even dress yourself.......
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 27 12:26pm 

Did you get it all out of yours system buddy? If not, I would wait to read this until you are rational.

Here is what I looked at. Your records in pitching... Wins 2-8-2, K 3-9, ERA 6-6, WHIP 5-7. Don't tell me you don't need pitching retard. You are .500 in ERA and Saves...Mr. Automatic cannot carry you in either. So, I offer you a pitcher who has, over the last month, thrown 36.2 innings with 27 Ks, a 1.96 ERA and 1.04 WHIP. Hmmmm...The best starter on your entire staff has been Brandon Webb. Oddly, he posted very similar numbers to Mr. Marcum. How dare me offer you another starter as good as your best for a closer.

I wasn't looking at it from a real world value jackass. Look at what your team needs. You need hitting, pitching, and a manager. I offered to help you out in three categories at the expense of one to you. But good luck. Keep on rocking with your .500 record in Saves at the expense of every other pitching category.

Al Davis will be dead in a couple years anyway. I don't give a shit what he thinks. Raider Nation booted you years ago for having Al in your '5'. I was just being nice pretending you were still involved.

boo.
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 28 12:21pm 

excuse me while i put a hex on that son of a bitch kenny rogers. sorry brian.

Re: boo.
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 28 1:35pm 

Son, Ive made a life out of readin peoples faces, 

And knowin what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you dont mind my sayin, I can see youre out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey, Ill give you some advice.

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, if youre gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.
Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

And the dealin's not done yet for Rogers. Sorry bones.

Re: boo.
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 28 3:16pm 

Giving in to Bones' attempt to lure you into random smack...Cost: 5 minutes of your life you will never get back.

Quoting copywrited material without proper reference...Cost: Multi-million dollar lawsuit (if anyone really cared that is).

Gratuitous and un-appologetic use of lyrics from "The Gambler"... Priceless

Effective use of CAPS LOCK
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 28 7:01pm 

Everybody sing it with me now:

Bones has got to know when to hold em, KNOW WHEN TO FOLD EM,
Know when to walk away and KNOW WHEN TO RUN.
You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.
Therell be time enough for countin WHEN THE DEALINS DONE.

Whorebovsky Doubles RBI total in 1 Day....
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 28 10:47pm 

Robinson Cano's RBI on Thursday gave Eric a total of two for the week, which has to be the hardest I've laughed at someone else's fantasy misfortune upon going through the weekly matchups ever. Sorry E..... I find it even more amazing the gentler leaf Oz has turned over in not publicizing his 20-RBI advantage over his longtime buddy. I credit Ben's heckling on the "Free Byrd" situation today at work playing a role in Oz's recent silence......and just when we thought Oz might complete his first career trade with the rumored Utley for Wright/Hill deal, Trumblee undercuts him and gets Wright and Peralta for Rollins in yet another Darkhorse blockbuster.....Sawyer's wheelin' and dealin' like a used car salesman. I smell a new team name.

Re: Whorebovsky Doubles RBI total in 1 Day....
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jun 28 11:07pm 

Aww, Little Benny 2.0 is all growed up and has been talking a lot of smack, but don't give him too much credit. His "Free Byrd" rant was amusing, but not exactly the stuff legends are made of, or silenced by. He does make a great league secretary though, archiving memorable smack and achievements for us.

I harbor no ill will towards Mr. Whorebovsky. The fact that I am shaming him in the offensive categories has been overshadowed by my pitching staff's woeful performance this week (I have threatened a visit from Dr. Sol, so I expect a full turnaround soon.) Due to this, I remain (relatively) silent. Plus, I don't want to provoke another PWI offense and drive up his already substantial legal costs.

Cihal's chubby for trades
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 29 1:24am 

Cihal dangles Crawford as bait, fishes for pitching

CRAWFORDGATE, Part II -- On the heels of the worst loss in franchise history, Cubby Chubby has increased trade negotiations to a feverish pitch.

"He went from defcon 3 with Thome and Clemens to punching the big red panic button," Jason Bergmann said. "He has been in his office plotting his next moves so far in advance that he dropped me before I even recorded any stats for him."

While Cihal will tell you this isn't a knee-jerk reaction to getting a Caballo hoofprint on his butt in week 12, some Shadows managers smell fear.

"He's going back to his 2-for-1 trade deals as if that isn't his oldest trick in the book," El Caballo GM luckeechief said. "The kind of trade that's fair until Cihal gets a free roster spot from the deal. Then helps himself to the free agent list. He keeps going through the buffet line and having other people clear his leftovers for him so he can go back for more."

Other managers didn't think much when he made the first deal with Boone's Draft Dodgers. But two deals in two days?

"That's more trades than I'll ever make in my lifetime," Shooting for .500 GM OzNuts said. "It totally goes against my 'reject first, regret later' philosophy."

As Pache's One Hitters took a 6-4 lead on Thursday, one manager was just surprised Cihal's deal with Sawyer didn't include Griffey's Son.

"I've got to give Sawyer credit for not totally accepting the role of Cihal's and Schroeder's Triple-A team," Brian Ayers of Basedow's T.A. said. "But Sawyer doesn't babysit players for other teams like his Raider brother. Oz was kind enough to babysit Paul Byrd for El Caballo the past two weeks."

join me in welcoming hong-chih kuo
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 29 3:01am 

Herro. I would rike to thenk Mr. Rosenpenis for the chence to start one game for the team and immediatry be shipped back to the far east. He seved me from a rife of ronery free egency.....

See I was on the verge of brekking down
Sometimes sirence can seem so roud
There are miracles in rife I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me, ohhhhhhhh

If I can see it, then I can do it If I just berieve it, there's nothing to it

I berieve I can fry
I berieve I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fry away
I berieve I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I berieve I can fry
I berieve I can fry
I berieve I can fry

Thenk you. I must go because my door is knocking...oh jit....son of bitch i arready got rereased.

GO YOMIURI GIANTS!

Schroeder's 1-7 record against the Chubby
by: soulfood724 (Cubby Chubby) Jun 29 6:24am 

I don't have anything to say, just thought I should publicize the record after El Caballo decided to get cocky.

Re: join me in welcoming hong-chih kuo
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 6:36am 

Yes, Cihal also saved this little goofy bastard from a "rife of ronery free agency" and ended up getting bent over for 8 runs in 1.2 innings last week. Does it surprise me that Rosenpenis would want to get bent over.......No, you can't give the guy a backdoor delivery he's not expecting with great anticipation. What myself and Mr. Kuo and I take exception to is the misleading advertising his organization is guilty of taking part in. What was the slogan he started the week with?..."If you put anything in Sol Rosenpenis' ass, you'll have a friend for life." After Kuo puts his little wang in your butt today, he gets sent back to Taiwan.

"What a fucking riar," Kuo said.

While You Were Sleeping.........
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 8:01am 

Bones,

You think you're going to run the waiver wire on me all weekend? I'm ready for you beeyotch. Now this is how you do successful advertising:

Anyone trailing in pitching this weekend....in a close K war, need a W? Houston Astros starter Jason Jennings wants to help. On Saturday, Jennings will start against his old mates, the Colorado Rockies, who have lost seven straight games. Jennings would like nothing more than to show Rockies management that they let a good one get away, and he's feeling optimistic about his chances. Jennings brings good ERA, some of the best WHIP available off the waiver wire and is a pretty decent stikeout option off the waiver wire, too. Why am I beckoning most of the league to pick him up? Because in around 1 hour Bones, my opponent, is going to wake up and try to fill a vacant roster spot with a starting pitcher. Has this A-hole waivered any of you to death this year in any of your matchups? I'll be he has. I would pick up Jennings myself, but am unfortunately tied to the one guy I'm ready to drop, Giants closer Brad Hennessey, until Bret Myers comes off the DL. So I am trying corner Bones into making a bad pitching choice tomorrow by getting someone to sign Jennings by noon. He might be a pretty viable addition to any ailing pitching staff in the League of Shadows this season. I hope to see one of the 8 people I sent this to take advantage of this great opportunity.

Re: Schroeder's 1-7 record against the Chubby
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jun 29 8:50am 

You say that like everybody else besides Brian and Oz DOESN'T have an 0-something record against you. 1-7 doesn't even upset me. 1-7 is elite company. (for the record, Schroeder's record against the Chubby was 1-6 as of June 29.)

Re: While You Were Sleeping.........
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 29 10:08am 

Oh Brian. Buds for 25 years and you still think you can twist my brain into a little pretzel with your smack board propaganda. Not so fast my friend. I'm not in full blown ratio panic yet. If I was, I would have picked up my pitcher of choice right after i cut my japanese friend, while you were still sound asleep having another sex dream about Vance Law.

Instead, I'm choosing prudence..as I see it, that is. One day at a time. If my pitching blows up today, we'll cross that bridge when we get there; and then burn it.

Incidentally, I am 8 games under .500 and I have made 80 roster moves. I don't need any help making poor decisions.

Re: While You Were Sleeping.........
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 10:42am 

First, Kuo is made in Taiwan, and picking him up is a measure of a desperate man. You weren't hoping for Washburn were you? How strange it is these known-Bones pitching targets keep disappearing. I know you've got an empty roster spot, and I know you can't get through the weekend without picking up another start. You play the waiver game, and I'll play the blockade game all weekend. So, don't give me this prudence bullshit, and after you burn that proverbial bridge with pitching acquisitions this weekend, just know that after 25 years, I'll be there on Sunday night to keep you from jumping off it....but if you jump, that's cool, cuz I'm kinda diggin' this Sol fella.

Who's Hungry?
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 11:02am 

I've got a list of "Sneaky-good Sunday Starters" I'm compiling right now. If any of these pitchers find a way onto any roster that is not named Sol's Hardbodies, please join me in the infoUSA cafetria on Monday for a complimentary meal of your choice from Tokyo Kitchen. My home e-mail is bricub1908@yahoo.com, and my phone number is 991-4856. Please get in touch with me to discuss the possibilities.

Listed below are my credentials:

39-19-2 combined record in all pitching categories.

League-leading 11-1 head-to-head in strikeouts.

League-leading 688 Ks.

League-leading 3.44 season ERA.

League-leading 1.19 WHIP.

Season record in four of five pitching categories.

Uncanny ability to transform average Joe into Cy Young on one-day's notice (see Carlos Zambrano and Kenny Rogers since becoming cling-ons to Basedow's Tight Anus)

Re: While You Were Sleeping.........
by: bones051103 (Sol's Hardbodies) Jun 29 11:52am 

If only you knew as much as you think you do. I have never had Washburn. That alone should speak volumes. What, you heard me say his name once? There's dozens of pitchers you could accuse me of man-crushing on, he's not one of them.

I'm in your head without even trying. Go look in the mirror. You're a wreck.

If you really believe that I'm gonna go waiver crazy, there's really nothing you or your InfoMinions can do to stop me.

What are you doing tonite? Wanna hang?

Re: While You Were Sleeping.........
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 12:11pm 

After I go yard at Seymour tonight at 8:30, I should be around, but you're more than welcome to come over right now and watch Rich Hill excellently execute the Brewers and you. And while we're watching that transpire together, I'll watch you not go to the computer and peruse the wire, which will be getting more and more watered down by the hour......keep telling yourself Kuo was your first choice.

There's no such thing as an InfoMinion. We're in this thing together and have armies across the globe, as well as mercenaries with West Corporation and guerilla forces at Runza. INFOARMY, UNITE AGAINST PAYPAL IN OFFICE WARFARE! (Imagine me blowing into one of those seashell thingys right now.)

GO CUBS GO!!!
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jun 29 4:46pm 

Ouga Chaka ouga! ouga! Chaka! ....

I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me.
Cubs, you just don't realize
What you do to me.
When you win games,
In the ninth,
You let me know,
Everythings alright, ahahah

I'm hooked on a feeling,
I'm high on believing,
That you'll be in first place.

Hits as sweet as candy.
Their taste stays on Bones' mind.
Cubs, you keep me thirsty for another day spent in the vines.

I got it bad for you Cubbies,
But I don't need a cure,
I'll just stay addicted, If I can endure
All the good love, when we're all alone
Keep it up Cubs, yeah you turn me on.

I'mmm, I'mmm Hooked on a feeling.
I'm high on believing that you'll win eight straight.
All the good love, when we're all alone
Keep it up Cubs, yeah you turn me on.

Ahaha I'm hooked on a feeling,
I'm high on believing,
That A-Ram's shot was a bomb.

Darkhorse Dreams
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 1 12:32am 

Sawyer,

Nice job with the trades and giving me hell this week. You have fought me with the zeal of a challenger. But you can't afford to tie me this week. Even a tie is a another nail in your coffin if you're thinking about making the playoffs. Pretend we finish at 5-5 this week and there's nine weeks left...

If you finish the season winning 6-4 each week, your final record will be 97-113-10.

6-3 each week will get you to 97-104-19.

7-3 each week will finally put you over .500 with a 106-104-10 record.

Re: Darkhorse Dreams
by: salz33 (Out On A Ledge) Jul 1 9:01am 

Ok, since I have complete control of how well my guys play, I'll be sure to make sure they step it up today. Rollins will homer 3 times, Miggy 2 times, and Martin 1 time. Oh, guess Markakis wants to hit 1 too. Martin will steal 2 bases and Pierre will steal 10 more. Crawford, he's still adjusting. Misse his teddy bear that he left at Cihal's camp, so we're in the process of overnighting that. Should be here this afternoon by game time. Gagne said he's good for 2 more saves today and Borowski said he'd get one, but that the Indians aren't going to play well today. Thanks for he heads up so that I could start pulling some of these stats outta my ass to give to these guys. Today is the day that your team gets beat 10-0, without me even getting a strike out. Don't ask Ben, it's just what we do.

Darkhorse 2: Reloaded
by: salz33 (Darkhorse McGuire) Jul 2 8:29am

OMAHA, Neb. - After a week of intense War Room negotiations, a spoiler has emerged. Darkhorse McGuire was involved in numerous trades including the InfoUSA League of Shadows prude, Oz-Nuts and his Shooting for .500 team and the “behind-the-scenes” master and owner of Christ’s Curveballers, Dan Trumblee. These trades ended a week that started with the movement of what looked to be the possibility of Crawford-Gate 2, which once again included fantasy-mastermind, Dave Cihal, and his Cubby Chubby.

“Yeah, we had to give up a lot, but we got a lot in return. Unfortunately in this league, we have owners that just don’t understand that concept sometimes,” said Darkhorse McGuire owner, Aaron Sawyer. “We’re going to miss a few of these guys who were key components in keeping our heads above the flood that we were afloat in as the season progressed.”

David Wright, former Darkhorse McGuire third baseman, was one of the major players that was moved over this past week. Wright was traded along with Johnny Peralta in exchange for highly regarded shortstop, Jimmy Rollins.

“Yeah, I was really disappointed with the way that things worked out,” said Wright. “I know that I had asked to be put on the trading block at the beginning of the season and I appreciated the teams willingness to accommodate me requests, but honestly, I really didn’t want to go now. I don’t care how the season was going, just really enjoyed the guys and being a part of a team that had a good time. I’m glad to see that the Darkhorse is in better shape though through my help in the beginning of the season and through the trade. Really gonna miss the D-Train the most I think.”

Other trades included Carl Crawford and Roger Clemens leaving Cubby Chubby in exchange for Brandon Webb, in addition to J.J. Putz, Bobby Abreu and Aaron Hill leaving the Darkhorse for Chase Utley in a trade from Shooting for .500.

“I just can’t believe this happened,” said Utley. “Of all places that I thought I would never be able to leave and some how, I was literally rescued by the Darkhorse. I’m extremely excited to see if I can really make a difference on this team, especially with the attitude the team has about being some kind of spoiler the rest of the year. It’s a really great environment here, and I haven’t even played in a game for them yet.”

Some of the players that left the Darkhorse McGuire camp weren’t so excited about the moves, especially J.J. Putz.

“It’s just frustrating, ya know,” said Putz. “I mean, I put my neck out there and make sure I was the diamond in the rough for that team and then I’m shipped away to Shooting for .500. I understand that thoughts behind it, I just would rather be playing for Sawyer and the Darkhorse still, regardless of record.”

That thought resonated with most of the individuals traded from the Darkhorse. When asked about leaving the Darkhorse Camp, most had the exact same surprising thoughts about the situation.

“Sawyer is a great manager to work with and we all thoroughly enjoyed playing for him,” said Hill. “Bobby and I are really going to miss the mansion quite a bit, even for a quiet as it’s been lately. Sawyer has said that we are welcome there whenever we’d like though. I appreciated that and will be taking him up on it. But I’m also looking forward to a change.”

After just a week with only a small part of the new-look Darkhorse put together, things were already looking very frustrating for upcoming opponents. That was easy to see with the desperate plea from El Caballo™ owner, Ben Schroeder, to try and get Sawyer to change whatever was working with Rollins and Crawford in the line-up.

“He was just scared because of my huge stick,” said Rollins. “Not used to seein’ something this big, I can assure you of that. Schroeder and the rest of the league can expect to see quite a bit more of that for the rest of the season. I can start all over here, and they made the move to get my boy, Chase, too. I’m happier than I’ve ever been with Darkhorse McGuire.”

(Continued on Page 2)

Darkhorse 2: Reloaded (Page 2)
by: salz33 (Darkhorse McGuire) Jul 2 8:29am 

Following a 5-5 tie with El Caballo™, Darkhorse McGuire will go straight into the fire in just its first week of complete assembly, facing last years champ and current regular season winner, Cubby Chubby. Attitudes on the team seem very optimistic as it’s test run commences at 6:05 pm, central standard time with Crawford taking the field for his 2nd time in a Darkhorse Uniform.

“Our thoughts were that if we hadn’t seen changes in output and competitiveness by the time the All-Star Break rolled around, that we were going to make some drastic changes,” said Darkhorse McGuire owner, Aaron Sawyer. “Obviously, we’ll know more after Monday night is over. All I can say is just ask Schroeder. We all know a tie to him was as damaging as it was to us, but he got only a sample of what’s coming to him if we were to ever meet up again. At this point in time, we feel that if our season has gone under, we’re going to have a good time with the rest of our schedule and enjoy taking teams down with us.”

Re: Darkhorse 2: Reloaded (Page 2)
by: bricub1908 (Basedow's Tight Anus) Jul 2 5:11pm 

Famous last words, Sawyer. I still own you. We're not scared.

Re: Darkhorse 2: Reloaded (Page 2)
by: salz33 (Darkhorse McGuire) Jul 2 5:28pm 

Exactly my point! If I go down, I'm going down in flames, but fightin' til the last breath!

Re: Darkhorse 2: Reloaded (Page 2)
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jul 2 7:37pm 

At least you got over the official "Woe is me Pitty Party". You are no better off than when you started overall, but good job moving people around.

Darkhorse the Anti-Andro?
by: nomh7 (Shooting for .500) Jul 2 11:25pm 

Omaha -- Tonight Shooting for .500 officially welcomed new players Bobby Abreu and Aaron Hill. Both got their first starts and were feeling good.

Abreu's performance was especially inspiring. His 3-4 showing punctuating it with a one blast in the sixth off Boof Bonser (SNL writers couldn't make that name up).

When asked about the outing, Abreu was upfront. "When I found out I could still go to the parties at the mansion without dealing with a pitching staff that couldn't even cut it for the Yankees sorry excuse for a bullpen, I was fired up."

Hill went just 1-4 with an RBI and a run, but was swinging the bat much better than the numbers would indicate. "I was so pumped to show the team I was worthy, I tried a little too hard. Call it the A-Rod syndrome, but damn am I glad to be out of that smelly Darkhorse locker room. For all the time he spends in the shower, I don't think Sawyer does much but pretend to drop the soap on accident in there."

In related news, Chase Utley went 0-4. When reached for comment, Aaron Sawyer said he was hanging the hopes and dreams of his team on aquiring Andruw Jones in free agency. Jones was recently cut from Shooting for .500 because he is a douche bag who is having trouble beating his way out of a wet paper bag and he whiffed on a slow pitch softball in batting practice.

Book Report on Tom Emanski
by: bricub1908 (Emanski's Hitmen) Jul 3 9:36pm 

This morning I woke up in disgust of yet another day passed without a home run. Gary Sheffield's two-run shot last week was my only dinger in my worst loss of the season to some fag with a gerbil farm. When in doubt, turn to Tom Emanski's dated library of instructional baseball videos never without fielding tips from San Diego Padres star Fred McGriff (http://royalsoptimist.mlblogs.com/the_royals_optimist/image s/emanski_mcgriff.jpg), and name your team in his honor. Here's a link to Emanski's homepage. http://www.tom-emanski-baseball-videos.com/without_flash/ind ex-4.html

I say San Diego Padres star Fred McGriff because the Crime Dog was playing for the Padres in 1991 when he endorsed Emanski's nine instructional videos in a TV commercial. Together Emanski and the Crime Dog launched a successful advertising campaign that has gone virtually unchanged since it aired 18 years ago, even though McGriff played for five different teams since it premiered. The dated commercial is still aired frequently during ESPN-televised baseball games with kids wearing mesh caps and non-painted-on stirrups doing military-style fielding drills. What sold me on these instructional videos were the outfielders one-hopping throws into the bucket at home plate like Nazi robots.

The players in the video were not the only ones brainwashed into playing fundamental baseball with Emanski's "building block" approach. His commercials brainwashed American consumers into building Emanski a greater than $75 million fortune, confirmed by a 2003 IRS probe into Emanski's unpaid back taxes. Most of that fortune was generated on revenue from the videos.

While the commercial for Emanski's videos has been fodder for the likes of Kenny Mayne and other sports analysts, Emanski's eminence is no joke. He tested his techniques on students at Baseball World, a youth baseball school in Fern Park, Fla. Those drones found success winning national youth championships in three divisions: 12 and under (1990), 13 and under/under (1991), and 11 and under (1992).

I've bought in to Tom's building block approach to try to fare better against a heavyweight like Boone this time around. Tom's got me reading racist articles by Lou Pavlovich on his "philosophy" page on his Web site. The tease for one reads:

"Highly successful Tom Emanski offers tips on how to outsmart Cubans when it comes to mental sparring at tournaments."

I don't think Boone is Cuban, but I'm going to use this to my advantage this week. And here's another tip for managing against Cubans in future fantasy affairs:

"Emanski added that the Cubans are famous for 'mind games' and love to intimidate their opponents. 'We were briefed at the tournament and by past U.S. coaches," Emanski said.

Emanski's U.S. team went on to beat the Cubans twice in winning the Pan Am Games of 1996.

"Up your ass, Castro, I shit red, white and blue," Emanski said upon winning the championship.

He's a fucking American icon, and he's riding with me on the Fourth of July. The team's watching the vids, and Sheffield has responded with a home run. We've had 17 hits today, but my numbers till look pretty shitty considering. Hopefully Tom can change that by the end of the week.

I also noticed something of value for Sawyer in that same article if he plans on coming back against Cihal in the offensive categories this week:

"His coaching genius also includes the use of certain aspects of the Navy Fighter Weapons School better known as “Top Gun”. Two years ago Collegiate Baseball chronicled in the Jan. 6, 1995 edition how he has used segments of the Top Gun program to help teach baseball to young baseball players."

Hideki Irab-who?
by: bricub1908 (Emanski's Hitmen) Jul 3 11:07pm 

BONZAI!!!! Dice K wins his 10th game of the season, one more than Aaron Sawyer said he was good for in 2007. In a prophecy-fulfulling performance forecasted in May, the Japanese sensation dominated Tampa Bay Devil Rays on Tuesday with eight innings of one-run ball. He struck out nine, increasing Dice K's season total to 119, easily on pace settle another Gatorade dispute with the Darkhorse McGuire owner.

Sawyer likened Dice K to Hideki Irabu at the start of the season, patted himself on the back for picking up Carl Pavano and not drafting Dice K this season in the same sentence (that's two E 6s) and then secretly drafted him in an ESPN league higher than any other pitcher on his roster - which he thought I wouldn't find out about, but I did because he sent out an e-mail at with a screen shot of his ESPN roster, covering his tracks in true Sawyer fashion.

All parties involved in this multipart bet with Sawyer, be ready to collect on the first part the next time you see the Ice Man. The El Caballo records department has a copy of the bet in his file and is prepared to act as liaison through the settlement process.

Re: Hideki Irab-who?
by: fullphledged (The One Hitters) Jul 5 8:05am 

Clearly, since tomorrow is dress code violation day, Sawyer should be wearing a Dice-K is my Daddy T-Shirt with those capris of his that he can write I love the Red Sox on the back in red nail polish unless he wants to pay off his bet at a later date.

f*cking short all-star week
by: luckeechief (Caballo Hatcheries™) Jul 15 9:41pm 

This week killed me in all three of my h2h leagues. I combined for a 5-25-6 record this week. F*cking awful.

Re: f*cking short all-star week
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Jul 15 10:27pm 

You should have managed to the short week better. Just my two cents.

ALL-TIME record broken & season bests (week 16 update)
by: luckeechief (FDR's 372™) Jul 23 3:02pm 

Sawyer surpassed Ben's previous stolen base record of 14, raising the bar to 16. The Ice Man was also in the hunt for most runs and ERA ALL-TIME records. It's only the second time this season that we've broke an ALL-TIME record from last season. Nice work Sawyer!

Dan also had a good week 16, tying the season bests in HRs and RBIs.

Boone recovered from his 10-0 setback in week 15 with a 10-0 win over Russ in week 16.

Finally, as a league we've more than doubled the 142 posts on the message board last year.

Here are your 2007 season bests.

Runs: 51 (Aaron)
HRs: 15 (Dan, Luke)
RBIs: 50 (Ben, Dan)
SBs: 16* (Aaron)
AVG: .385 (Aaron)
Wins: 8 (Brian)
Saves: 10 (Brian, Luke)
Ks: 81 (Brian)
ERA: 1.59 (Aaron)
WHIP: 0.84* (Dave)

Not pissed, just have a question
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 25 5:44pm 

Am I missing something on the most recent veto? 

Hideki Matsui has put up 66 RBIs this year, and has been the hottest player in baseball the past two or so weeks, has better numbers than most outfielders in fantasy and has done it one month's less time than everyone else due to his hamstring injury in mid-April. Roy Oswalt is underperforming, his WHIP is average at best and he's lost almost as many as he's won, and with Houston sucking butt nuggets at the plate this year, I doubt that will change. Not seeing what was so unfair about this trade for it to be vetoed. I'd be interested in hearing some objective reasoning from anyone that vetoed the trade as to why. Regardless, I'm still shopping Matsui for starting pitching. I'm not interested in multiple-player deals, but if anyone has pitching to burn or is in need of a Japanese sensation, send me an offer. Yanks have been scoring a lot of runs lately, and Matsui's been more the cause for that than A-Rod has been recently.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 25 5:49pm 

I don't think you're missing anything. I vetoed cuz I thought you had enough pitching already. And I'll always have a knee-jerk reaction to veto any deal that includes the last place guy with a "everybodys for sale" team name.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: Bones (Sol's Hardbodies) Jul 25 6:28pm 

well it was already vetoed by the time i saw it, don't think i wouldve vetoed..definitely not unfair, but it looks like its gonna get tough for contenders to get trades pushed through....that time of year i suppose.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 25 6:31pm 

Hmmm.......then where was this same thought process when my opponent this week was dealing away players with twice the velocity of Russ and was only a couple games out of last place three weeks ago? And since your gripe with mine with Russ is also for fear of a competitive advantage in pitching, please justify trading the first-place guy and defending champ a position player that solidified what used to be the only hole in his offensive lineup. Furthermore, Russ' effective advertising through team name shouldn't be held against him, nor should he be denied the same opportunity to improve his team that Sawyer received. Just be consistent the rest of the way.

INFO Exclusive with Godzilla
by: Iceman (Scorpions) Jul 25 6:41pm 

Sawyer: Matsui, you've been pretty hot at the plate as of late, yet you find yourself on the trading block at this point. Why do you suppose that is?

Matsui: I no understand manager moves, but I kreep it rear. HI!

Sawyer: It's obvious that you've got some trade value, but you still seemed welcomed on your current team, though you're on the block. Are you upset at all?

Matsui: Rile Briran is no pissed, Godzirra is rearry pissed. I no rike prayring hewer no more. It smell rike ord dirty cheese and I no rike feering espend.., espid...., epspendibrar.

Sawyer: You mean expendable?

Matsui: Des is what I say. Espedibrar. Godzirra want reague to reconsider trade for asshoRe pitcher.

Sawyer: Do you mean Astros pitcher?

Matsui: Yes, asshore pitcher. You no risten to Godzirra when he speak to you.

Sawyer: Don't you think this trade would be considered a little much for the type of pitcher that the team could get for you because of your trade value, especially with the team's current pitching staff?

Matsui: Sure, why you no like it? It very good move for any team. What you think, why you vetro trade for Godzirra?

Sawyer: I didn't even see it up until after it was a done deal, so you need to settle down there wang chung.

Matsui: I NO WANG CHUNG. I no rike tone either. Dis interview is done.

Sawyer: Pussy.

Re: INFO Exclusive with Godzilla
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 25 7:12pm 

LMFAO!!! Like Ben said, don't think it matters either way. If I keep Matsui, he'll produce, and my pitching staff will compete without Oswalt.....they're just not striking anyone out right now and I was willing to damage my WHIP a little bit by taking Oswalt to improve my Ks. And I totally understand it getting vetoed if nobody wants to see me get more pitching, just seems like that those kinds of concerns haven't been considered in most other trades this year. I'm still happy to have GodziRAH and I'll get him a gift card to Council Bluffs Adult Emporium to smooth over that Bronx is Burning moment in the clubhouse. And with me still being the owner of GodziRAH, Sawyer, I collect all royalties for use of his trademarked name in publications. Please send a industrial-sized box of butt plugs (Hideki's payment arrangement for use of his trademarked name) to his agent, Baby GodziRAH, Kaz Matsui. Since becoming a player agent, Baby GodziRAH has ceased production, but I'm married him and Saito so my Gaysian Trifecta can still do the choo choo. Baby GodziRAH remains the conductor until he steals three bases. I should get catcher eligibility out of him for that.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 25 8:11pm 

A) Sawyer's trades. 

Sawyer trading is different than Russ trading. Clearly Sawyer has at least displayed that he has some fight left in him. He hasn't waved the white flag like Russ has with a team name like Everybodys 4 Sale.

B) Me trading with Cihal.

Everybody had a shot at McCann. I was going to drop him. I put him on the trading block at 12:34 a.m. on July 1*. And I accepted Cihal's proposal for him on July 14. I had offered McCann in several trade proposals. Cihal's offer for McCann was the only one I fielded. I just assumed everybody else didn't have the raisins to make a deal for McCann. Likewise, I had put Rickie Weeks on the trading block 10 days ago and dropped him today when nobody nibbled. I can probably expect Cihal to grab Weeks off waivers since he dropped the O-Dawg (Hudson).

*Sources:
http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com/b1/1886/transactions?filter=commish

Rickie Weeks O-Ranking: 81
Brian McCann O-Ranking: 82

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 25 9:02pm 

Apparently you haven't been getting any offers from Russ....I've been trying to get Oswalt since May....Vlad since April. He's been driving a hard bargain, minus whatever that A-Ram proposal was with Cihal. I'd put that in the category of Tony Gonzalez and Ahman Green for LT, just a homer wanting his boy at any cost, no matter the price the rest of the league would have to pay. You are the one who pointed out Sawyer was mathematically eliminated regardless of any recent acquisitions, so I don't know why you're overblowing what Russ' team name is (Lord knows nobody uses that space for humor) when he and Sawyer share the same fate.

As to McCann, it wasn't a matter of raisins with me, it's that there are about three catchers in all of baseball that will make a bit of difference on your team, and you gave up one of them for McCann. How 'bout them raisins?

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: Iceman (Skirts) Jul 25 11:30pm 

Raisins make me poop!

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: dtrumblee (Christ'sCurveballers) Jul 26 6:05am 

Well if Brian is not going to be pissed, I will be for him. I'm tired of the trade veto vagination in this league. It seems that the only criteria people use to veto a trade is whether it will make somebody's team better. Kind of the point of a fucking trade, isn't it? Also, set aside the Everybody's 4 Sale team name for a moment, and look at the lineups objectively. You don't think a team with a starting outfield of Vlad, Johnny Damon and Luis fucking Gonzalez could use Godzirah? Damon has five home runs this season! Five! That said, it's 6 a.m. and I'm sitting here laughing my ass off at Sawyer's post. That was hall-of-fame shit. Expect to see my team name change to Expendibrar -or Trade Veto Vaginitis.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: fullphledged (The One Hitters) Jul 26 8:33am 

Well fuck man, I didn't mean to veto that - I only did it because I figured the only guy in here that would carry that faggy little jap yankee would be Sawyer and I just had enough of seeing a guy get taken advantage of who clearly needs to sign his power of attorney over to someone else when it comes to baseball matters. Is there anyway you can repropose it?

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 26 8:38am 

Thanks Christ. : ) I agree with you, and I've definitely had a case of vaginitis with trades, too, so I'm just as guilty as those I'm calling out. All this stems from the Crawfordgate debacle last year, which did indeed scar everyone for life, so sorry for that, too. My anus just won't forget the pounding Cihal gave all of us last year, which is the reason why my vag gets bloody anytime there's a trade involving the Chubby and anyone else. I'll work on that.

The word vagination is thrown around a lot these days...
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 26 9:51am 

Is it that hard to get a trade through? 

We've had 14 trades go through and five vetoed. But one of the vetoes was by request due to an "oops I accidentally accepted the trade" moment.*

You've still got a good chance of getting a trade through the league (nearly 4 out of 5 trades are passed).

What exactly makes trade veto vagination? What percentage of trades should get passed?

*Source
www.garyharvey.com/kissmyass

Re: The word vagination is thrown around a lot these days.
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 26 11:08am 

Speaking of vagination, where the hell has Oz been on this message board?

Re: The word vagination is thrown around a lot these days.
by: dtrumblee (Christ'sCurveballers) Jul 26 11:50am I don't know what it's like in the other leagues you play in, but 5 vetoes in half a season seems very excessive to me. I've been in another league for three years now and I remember one, maybe two.
As for my definition of the newly coined phrase "trade veto vagination" I would say it's when a person exerts his veto power to make sure certain teams doesn't improve. Let's face it, it's in your interest to make sure Brian's team doesn't get better, but is it really fair to say Oz or Brian can't make a trade if someone is willing to make the deal?
To me, the veto option should be reserved only for extreme cases when it's obvious that somebody is getting something for nothing. Does that describe Hideki Matsui on the hottest team in baseball for Roy Oswalt, who's been a disapointment this season? I don't think so.
Who are we to decide "Brian's team has enough pitching" Obviously he didn't think so. I hope if I try to make any trades later this year, people will allow me to be the judge what my team needs or doesn't need. Right now they need someone to hose this league's clam juice off of them.

Re: The word vagination is thrown around a lot these days.
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 26 12:34pm 

I've been in the same baseball league for six years and there's never been a veto. Different leagues have different characteristics and politics, if you will, depending on the managers. It doesn't matter what league we're in (see also: fantasy football), the veto has been a popular option.

Which leads me to suggest a veto override for our leagues. For example, if the same trade is passed and vetoed it can still go through on a "third time is the charm" gentleman's agreement. I don't have a magic button that will get a trade through. So we'd all have to agree if the SAME trade is shot down twice, it will be allowed to pass on the third try - SAME managers involved and SAME players involved.

Would that trade take three times as long to get through? And three times as many Yahoo! e-mail notifications? Yes. But that's all I got.

Oswalt for Godzirrah
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 26 12:46pm 

It wasn't an unfair trade and didn't deserve the veto in the way the veto is designed to do in this league. I think Russ should decide if he wants to send Oswalt to Brian for Matsui or send Oswalt to Dave for A-Ram. Or at least see who will pay more for Oswalt.

Maybe in other leagues a lot of this trade stuff is taken care of behind closed doors. A lot of the veto talk on the message board has brought a lot of this out in the open.

Re: Oswalt for Godzirrah
by: Iceman (Skirts) Jul 26 1:03pm 

I think we should just let things ride as they are and not worry about it. Fantasy Honor System, no evil penis' of taft allowed! Especially Oz nuts! WHERE MY OZ AT!?!?!?! Oh, that's right, he's probably too busy sobbing over Putz's blown save from last night or curled up in the fetal position cowering and wondering when Sawyer & Co. is going to come running through his world, dominating anyone and everyone he comes across (like usual) once again until there is nothin' left but Oz's pride. And then, Sawyer will climb off of his noble steed of excellence and destruction and set that on fire too! Then, when all that is left of Oz's pride is a small, but hopeful flame, I will stomp it out with my feet of fury and piss on the ashes! And Oz shalt kneel before me and will embrace thee as my loyal servant forever and ever.

BREAKING NEWS
by: Iceman (Skirts) Jul 26 5:57pm

Omaha, NEB-Breaking news from the Sawyer camp. Kevin Mench has been dethroned from the hate list of which it was said he would never escape.

Following the Nationals/Phillies game, x-rays revealed that Chase Utley, the newly acquired 2nd Baseman for the Darkhorse Skirts, had a broken hand after being plunked by a pitch thrown by National's pitcher, John Lannan.

"That ass clown [Lannan] better not let me find him anywhere,"said Darkhorse Manager, Aaron Sawyer. "Can you believe this kid would do something like this. Act like you've been here before at least, you pussy. We're a family on this team, and I swear that I will beat that kid senseless if I catch up to him."

Others around the league have already spoken up about the happenings of this afternoon.

"Godzirah rearry pissed for prayrer , Rutrey," said recently interviewed, Hideki Matsui. "Rearry unfortunatery revents. Can terr that make big impact right way. Dats how Godzirah want to be needed on any brig reague crub."

The Darkhorse Skirts who were poised to become the spoilers of the second half of the season have really suffered a set back as they will be forced to use utility man, Freddie Sanchez, in Utley's place.

"It's unfortunate that something like this happened, but I'm here for a reason and I'm going to do whatever I can to contribute to this time,"said Sanchez.

Sawyer was fined 5 gatorades for his comments regarding Lannan following the game.

"Fine me, I don't care. I make at least 100 gatorades a year," said Sawyer."Just don't let me find that monkey, for his sake."

Re: Oswalt for Godzirrah
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Jul 26 6:05pm 

Slow day at "work" Sawyer? Or just a bad mushroom trip? 

Here we are nearing the end of July and here you are looking at the top half of the league like a poor kid looking at his mom who just used her last food stamps for Ho-Hos you know she won't share. At least last year in an 8 team league that meant you could sniff Trumblee's jock on your way out of the first round.

And on a note to you and B, sorry for the absence. Laying waste to Boone and Lil Benny 2.0 created a wave of happiness that has been quickly swallowed up by Tsunami Cihal this week. I have been pouting.

Re: BREAKING NEWS
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Jul 26 6:07pm 

Sorry about your luck. If it is any consolation to you, it makes that Putz blown save feel less painful for me.

Re: The word vagination is thrown around a lot these days.
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 26 6:56pm 

"I hope if I try to make any trades later this year, people will allow me to be the judge what my team needs or doesn't need. Right now they need someone to hose this league's clam juice off of them."

So long as Sol's SoftCocks is in this league, we'll never need a hose to ensure that the clam juice you spoke of dries on anyone's thighs.

Re: Not pissed, just have a question
by: Earl (AL strikes again) Jul 28 12:27pm 

No veto here. The last few trades haven't looked bad to me.

Umpires need to castrated
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 29 1:14pm 

I'm in fucking San Diego, there's a beach a few minutes away....lots to do, yet I am absolutely consumed by fantasy baseball. Sawyer's two bullpen wins have not allowed me to enjoy this vacation to the fullest as I am now going to pass on a trip to the beach to see if Z can finish out this victory and tie a category for me. The Cubs lead 2-0 in the second inning, and should be up 4-0 after some dickhead in the Cincinatti bleachers couldn't coral a home-run ball by Alfonso Soriano and let it bounce off his completely uncapable hands and back onto the field. Cue the negligent Joe West, umpiring third base today in cement sneakers, who did not even move two fucking steps from his position on the chalk to make the correct call on Soriano's would-be dinger. Instead it's a double, and Theriot stranded Z and Soriano on second and third to end the inning. I sit tied in RBIs and cling to a two home run lead on what appears to be another ground-giving Sunday for The Weeklong Warriors. Varitek is on the bench, so is Kaz Matsui. Jeter and GodziRAH are toiling through a rain delay. Fucking beautiful. The real crime here is that if the Cubs lose a close game today to the Reds, that would be devastating to a team that just pulled within 1.5 games of Milwaukee. If I were in my own home right now, shit would be broken. When I look at the entire umpiring staff in Cincinatti today, I see at least 750 pounds of cattle grazing on the diamond. If you want to be in the big leagues, Blue, look like a professional, not a tub of goo. And if you're going to be a tub of goo at your job, be an effective one, dickface. These fucking fatfucks are killing me, and a Darkhorse miracle is destined to result from my meltdown. Joe West is a fucking piece of shit. That Bartman wanna-be in the stands in Cincy is a disgrace to all ball hawks, and whoever my opponent is next week must pay for their sins. Sorry, I don't like being vengeful, but it just has to be done so my players know I've got their backs.

Re: Umpires need to castrated
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Jul 29 7:12pm 

Uhm...feel better? You're up 8-0 over Sawyer so how bad of a day could you really have had? And amidst the sounds of your rant, I did hear the Cubbies crawl within 0.5 games of first place behind Milwaukee.

Cheer up! You could even win 9-0 this week if Shef feels like stealing a base while he's on the West Coast with you. Or you could go enjoy yourself out there and forget about baseball.

Stay classy San Diego!

I think I pooped my pants also after reading that!
by: Iceman (Ayer's Diaper) Jul 29 8:02pm 

I saw that play, and if anything, it was EXTREMELY controversial. Even I thought it was out. But honestly, myself personally, would be the first to admit that I've had some crazy times, but that was a rant above all temper tantrums that was seriously unwarranted as it was a regular season game AND a fantasy walk through for your team. Anyone that disagrees with me having any room to talk, then all I have to say is January 19, 2002.

'Nuff said.

Re: I think I pooped my pants also after reading that!
by: B (The Weeklong Warrior) Jul 29 11:48pm 

Yes, I do feel a bit foolish after that rant considering the outcome, but I give up ground every Sunday and was sure that we were in for a tight finish considering I thought I could have four people out and most categories were still pretty close. In reality, I did go to the beach on Sunday and had a great vacation. Joe West is still a fuckstick and blew it. When Soriano comes up one homer shy of 50-50, you'll see things my way.

Didn't know Sawyer was bilingual
by: B (JW's Invisible Penis) Jul 29 11:53pm 

Sawyer, love your Spanglish team name, but don't quite get it. What does "Yesterday's Diaper" mean?

Re: I think I pooped my pants also after reading that!
by: Iceman (Ayer's Diaper) Jul 30 8:52am 

4 people out? Maybe you missed my Friday and Saturday line up in which I had 5 of my players not play on Friday (4 of which was the rain delay you were upset about even though yours played anyways) and Saturday, in which yahoo reported that Crawford would play and then when the game started he wasn't even in uniform, leaving me once again with 4 players sitting out for the day. Not to mention the fact that I have to place Utley on the DL and continue to fall to the basement in this league while listening to Oz go nuts about making the playoffs. But you should complain, after all, that play was the game changer in our match up, wasn't it. Wait, maybe not.

Re: I think I pooped my pants also after reading that!
by: B (JW's Invisible Penis) Jul 30 9:24am 

I was just thinking, "What would Lou Piniella do if he was managing my fantasy team and he had a home run robbed from him?"

Much like the hat-kicking tirade at Wrigley in early June, I had my tantrum and my team responded just like the Cubbies - with my second career Sawyer shutout. So to answer your question, that was a game-changing play in our matchup. We saw a week through to the finish and gained ground in the standings. Sorry it was at your expense, but not really.

And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 9 1:30pm 

Where is everyone?

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 9 3:34pm 

I don't know about you, but we are working hard at our jobs. I'll have to get back to you later. Sawyer and I don't have time to screw around all day like you do.

Sincerely,
Benny 2.0

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Iceman (Frustrated & Done.) Aug 9 3:39pm 

YEAH!

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 9 6:58pm 

LMAO...it's ok, I wouldn't be talking much on the message board if I were you two either.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 9 8:59pm 

Fear not, I'm saving everything for Week 20, BEYOTCH! 

Well, almost everything except this second book report on Andruw Jones:

Andruw Jones, dropped by Shooting for .500 on July 1, promptly homered on the very day that Nick Osborne dropped the best center fielder in baseball for a part-time player named Reggie Willits (recently dropped by Oznuts). On July 1, the best player ever from the Netherlands was batting .199. He's up to .215 now - not eye-popping, but that means he's batting .254 since leaving Dickhead's Team. Since joining Morneau's Nose, the fucking playa has hit 8 of his 21 bombs on the season, which would be eight more than Oz collected while he was benched in favor of Willits. Since July 1, Drubie has racked up 26 of his 72 RBI over the span of 32 games. He's even swiped 40 percent of his bags on the year since parting ways with Slapnuts.

Osborne could not be reached for comment as he had some Andruw pee to remove from his butt. It would only be fair to mention that Osborne's team has been fine without him, as he is vying for his first-ever playoff appearance after cellar dwelling all of last year, but when it comes to Oz, forget about fairness. Luke, it is my greatest hope that you keep Andruw very hydrated to continue flooding Oz's anus with piss, and I think all of us would appreciate you keeping Jones on the asparagus diet in order to keep that piss extra stinky with a tint of brown so it looks like Oz has a steady stream of diarrhea running down his leg, much like it will during Week 20 as I attempt to make the playoff race even more interesting than it already is.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 9 9:21pm 

B, take Andruw's cock out of your mouth for a minute and think rationally. Jones has had an offensive explosion lately, but you have made two distinct factual errors and you have actually justified me dropping Jones in your reasoning.
First, the best center fielder in baseball? If I didn't know you were joking I would have to call your mom and tell her you have lost your mind and need to be institutionalized. That is ludicrous.
Secondly, Mr. Jones is not even from the Netherlands. He is from an autonomous Carribean island chain known as the Netherlands Antilles. It is like saying that Puerto Ricans are Americans.
Now let's look at you justifying my decision to drop Jones. As you mentioned, he has boosted his BA to .215. Do you have room for a hitter who has to go on his best run of the season to get to .215 in early August? He has, in this run, accounted for between 35 and 40% of his other offensive stats in this time. A player that can pad his stats in that way in the period of about a month is either 1) dogging it early on, 2) overcompensating for his desire to secure a large contract in the twilight of his career or 3) just truly happy to no longer be a part of the Shooting for .500 organization. In any of those cases, he had no place on my squad.
His RBI's are definitely appealing. I cannot argue with that. But his appeal pretty much fades after that.
I am glad to see you are all still out there. I was worried you all got real jobs.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 9 10:02pm 

In response to: "B, take Andruw's cock out of your mouth for a minute and think rationally." 

Unlike Bear Gryls (Man vs. Wild) I don't slurp on pee.

In response to:

"Jones has had an offensive explosion lately, but you have made two distinct factual errors...."

By best center-fielder in baseball, I was speaking in terms of fantasy. Thought you knew that these stats we rack up in fantasy ball come from real games by athletes playing in Major League Baseball, our nation's pastime. You and I went to a couple games together last year in Denver, remember? Oz, that's real baseball. And in real baseball, there is not a better center-fielder than Andruw. In fantasy baseball, there is no such thing as a center-fielder. There are only OFs. In summary, not only was I correct in my assessment, I was also rational.

In response to: "Secondly, Mr. Jones is not even from the Netherlands. He is from an autonomous Carribean island chain known as the Netherlands Antilles. It is like saying that Puerto Ricans are Americans."

I'm lost in this confusing world, but according Ayers logic, it's not entirely erroneous to say Jones is from the Netherlands. The Netherlands Antilles' origin is as part of the Dutch colonial empire. For hundreds of years, it was a colonial territory of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

In 1954, the status of islands was promoted from that of a colonial territory to part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands as an associated state within a federacy. The islands' relation to the Netherlands has decreased since 1954, but remains a part of the Netherlands despite a vote as recent as last year. I'll get to your analogy of calling Puerto Ricans Americans in a sec, but allow me an analogy. In America, do we not call Indians "Native Americans" or "American Indians" though they lived here before America was discovered by Whitey? I can can call Andruw a uh.....Netherlandian(?), Netherlandesian(?), Iowanian(?).

And I do contend that Puerto Ricans and Americans are more similar than different. Neither of us vote in elections. The only difference is Americans are allowed to have a say in their government. The only real difference I can think of is that at American-owned hotels, you steal their towels, while at Puerto Rican-owned hotels, they steal your towels.

In response to: "A player that can pad his stats in that way in the period of about a month is either 1) dogging it early on, 2) overcompensating for his desire to secure a large contract in the twilight of his career or 3) just truly happy to no longer be a part of the Shooting for .500 organization. In any of those cases, he had no place on my squad."

All those reasons may very well be true, but, in regard to No. 2, who are you to dog Druw and at the same time wish you were there for Barry's moment like those two guys who tried running with Hank down third base during his moment (the only difference is the handjob you would have given Barry on the way to the plate)?

*cue high school student section to chant "This one's over."*

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 9 10:37pm 

You must have gone to prep if the most creative chant you could come up with was "This one's over." But that is neither here nor there.
Bear Gryls' show has recently been exposed as a fraud (http://www.abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=3412744&pa ge=1), much like your rationale for loving Andruw. Just to blow up your "best" statement, I submit exhibit A...Torri Hunter. Better than Andruw in HR, RBI, Runs, AVG and SB. Am I missing any offensive categories for our league there? As I said, factual inaccuracies.
I will admit that the Netherlands bit is a technicallity. Pulling our Native American friends into the argument is unneccesary. You say "For hundreds of years, it was a colonial territory of the Kingdom of the Netherlands." You Imperialist bastard. I cannot believe you support such expansionist politics.
What the fuck does Jones have to do with the HR record? The only connection I see is that Andruw will see the plaque commemorating the acheivement in Canton when he visits with his family (career .260 hitters need not apply for residency unless they are freaks of nature in other areas).
You are right, I would have liked to been there to see Barry hit 756. Anybody who calls themself a baseball fan and wouldn't want to be there for a historic moment like that isn't really a fan. By the way, when is the last time a Cubby broke a high profile all-time record?
As for Barry's place in the organization, I have been saying for the past 2 years that he should break the record and retire so the team can move on. I will leave the handjob to his wife, or his mistress, whoever gets there first.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 9 11:47pm 

In response to: "LMAO...it's ok, I wouldn't be talking much on the message board if I were you two either." 

The irony isn't lost on me. I'm just pulling a page out of your playbook, aptly titled "Oz's guide to 8th place." If you'd turn to page 71 (also the number of games out of first place you finished last year), you'd recognize the instructions to my previous reply. Turning the page...

In response to: "You Imperialist bastard. I cannot believe you support such expansionist politics."

Free time and wikipedia know-how is a dangerous thing in the wrong hands. Thanks for the laugh.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 10 3:31pm 

Well, if you're going to get into factual inaccuracies with me, I was just wondering why in the hell Andruw and his family would be going to Canton, Ohio, to see a plaque commemorating Barry Bonds given that Cooperstown, N.Y., is where the MLB Hall of Fame is. Andruw has nothing to do with the home run record (though he did set the all-time league record for home runs to occur on an owner's bench during his stay with you), I was just pointing out the similarity that both Bonds and Andruw are doing some contract padding during the twilight of their careers, as both dogged it early and are waking up at the same time. As to the Jones/Hunter discussion, it's a good argument for the 2007 season, but given that Jones started his MLB career in 1996 while Hunter started in 1997, Jones has nearly twice as many career dongs than Hunter (363), more than 400 career RBI, and surprisingly more stolen bases than Torii though close. The only thing Hunter leads in all career stat categories (that we pay attention to) is AVG, but Druw is likely to hit 500 career HRs and join Bonds in COOPERSTOWN one day. Will Hunter make it to the hall. Unless he piles up 1,833 more hits to reach 3,000, no chance. Ironically enough, Jones and Hunter share a .991 career fielding percentage, though I'd give Hunter a very slight edge in web gems. I look forward to your reply, Stinky Asparagus Piss Lover.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 10 3:48pm 

Sorry about the Canton thing. I was hit by football overload after a long summer. Inductions of the Playmaker and Thurman and the start of the preseason had me in a mood. Good catch, I humbly appologize and will rightfully you in the "Published Corrections" section of the fantasy newsletter.

Did our league start in '96 or is it a one year league? If it is only one year, Andruw's past HRs don't mean dick. Shit, Barry Bonds is the all time home run king, but he is barely worth a bench roster spot in fantasy this year. So again, your argument is as stinky as the Asparagus Piss you seem so fond of recently.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 10 4:28pm 

You're a fucking idiot, nothing personal.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 10 5:13pm 

That is a dissapointing response. No whitty reply, no Elias-like research, just a quickie? Have you finally lost your boner for Jones too? Or is the stinky pee you have been so obsessed with affecting your thought processes?

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 10 5:35pm 

From the Elias-like Caballo Stats Research, Inc. 

Had I played Oz's schedule this year, my record would be 96-74-10. Exactly the same winning percentage as Oz has through 18 weeks. And I still would have been able to cling to my highlight of the year so far: a win against Cihal. Instead of handing Cubby Chubby its worst loss in league history in week 12, I would have got him 5-4-1 on Oz's schedule (week 17).

Now to do the calculations on how Oz would have done playing my schedule...

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 10 5:40pm 

Holy shit dude, you need a hobby.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 10 5:54pm 

Fantasy baseball isn't a hobby?

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 10 6:13pm 

Why should I continue to throw stats at you that you ignore? Like Joe West's penis, I've gone into hiding due to your rebutals being so insightful and loaded with factual analysis. I don't so much have a boner for Andruw as I do a ragin' purple hard-on to publicly expose your poor management of Andruw Jones. This post was titled "And a hush falls over the crowd" 17 messages ago, so my work on this topic is done.

Now I've got to go back to figuring out how to stop what looked like a promising week from the start from falling apart to that fucking loudmouth, Pache. If it looks ugly tomorrow, I'll begin writing a draft to another San Diego-like tantrum, get scorned by Sawyer for how "uncalled for" it was and then start replacing Andruw's pee in your ass with my own Monday morning. Toodles.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 10 6:28pm 

Perhaps I did mismanage Jones, but you are ignoring one thing...his .200 BA. He does get quite a few RBI's, but when it is customary to see 4 0-fer games for every offensive explosion, it is purely a guessing game. If I would have had him in, your argument would be about how could I put up with his average.

One last question and I will let it go. Which of your stats did I ignore? I seem to have provided a rebuttal to each of your points.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 10 7:15pm 

Those are the questions you're going to have to think about when you try to sleep, or you could re-read all 19 messages, paying especially close attention to what context I was speaking of Andruw Jones as being the best CF in baseball (not fantasy baseball), and then look at his career stats again and his HOF resume and compare it to Hunter's again.

Gary Sheffield batted below .150 for almost all of April - I wouldn't even trade him at comparable value. You dropped Andruw when you had much more dropworthy options, many of whom are gone now. I know I offered you at least one trade for him, and I know several others did, in addition to the one that got vetoed. You even shot down a one-for-one for Byrnes from Bones, while Byrnes has been hovering around No. 20 overall all season.

You dropped Jones for nobody - to size your roster down to its max. You could've kept him on your bench and banked on his resume of studly stats and inserted when this streak finally happened - it was bound to. Unlike Reggie Willits, Andruw Jones is one of the few that can win you multiple categories on offense in a week, and if his average was such a concern, don't make it a habit to draft career .260 hitters, but I think most would like his 50 home run potential.

Other than those stats, which all happened this year in fantasy baseball, you've ignored nothing. Es todo.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: B (The Quad Squad) Aug 10 7:22pm 

BTW, it's also ludicrous to say past performance bears nothing on this year in baseball. That's why it was an instant veto on the Thomas and Jones for Byrnes trade. Past performance also has a lot of bearing on how all of us draft our teams.

Re: And a hush falls over the crowd....
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 10 8:08pm 

Forgive me for mistaking your post in a Fantasy Baseball message board regarding a players worth to mean in his career and not this year in Fantasy Baseball. For his career, Andruw is a great center fielder defensively. That said, he isn't even in my top 5. But hey, that is just my $.02.

5 More Years
by: B (The Good Life) Aug 17 2:55pm 

If I jerked off every time since Opening Day I heard a snide remark about Zambrano not getting re-signed by the Cubs, I could have tugged out enough goo to open a sperm bank with branch locations. Turns out the Cubs have indeed learned from not re-signing Maddux 16 years ago and got a deal done with Z as he will be property of the Chicago Cubs and all Ayers-owned fantasy baseball teams for each of the next five seasons.

The five-year $91.5 million deal makes Zambrano the highest-paid pitcher in the history of baseball, topping Barry Zito of the San Francisco Giants.

"Personally, I think I am worth triple Zito's value considering I win three times as often," Zambrano said. "But what this contract does do is confirm that there is only one Z, and I'll strangle any of you motherfuckers with my belt on national television if you think differently."

Re: Bear Grylls Survivor League
by: luckeechief (Big League Chew™) Aug 20 9:45pm 

This is a real league, mate. Cor Blimey! You wankers that don't believe that this is a real survival league are as daft as a brush. You ain't heard the story of the manager from this league that was lost for four weeks in the Yahoo! outback? He nearly perished but he got lucky and survived by stealing Funston's stash of elderberries. Although his mate struggled to remain alive for several days but eventually died.

Piss off, you can't make that shit up!

Why God...why?
by: luckeechief (El Caballo Vuelto™) Aug 25 5:48pm 

I can handle peaking at fifth place this season. 

I can handle taking losses from all three other bubble teams.

I can handle one of those losses being a week-long domination from the Draft Dodgers (Boone would have several league records this week if he hadn't been nice enough to send me Mike Lowell, eh?)

I can handle missing the top six playoffs.

I can handle the fantasy karma fallout for having a New York Yankee on my team.

But I can't handle losing Boob Wickman. I'm throwing my hands up in the air. I was on the verge of a nervous Berk-down, standing on the Lidge and jumping, but I hadn't raised the white flag yet. But losing Boob is the last straw. The tears are coming and I can't even cry on the Big Man's shoulder.

I'm feeling so...

Remembering Wickman
by: luckeechief (El Caballo Vuelto™) Aug 25 6:06pm 

There were the GOOD times...

Bobzilla's Home Splits (08/14/07) - Boob's sparkling 0.00 ERA at home was bumped up to 0.40 in a winning performance against the Giants.

Wickman's Webgem (08/02/07) - Catching Mark Loretta's pop-up with an acrobatic catch (and tumble) off the mound. El Caballo teammates Berkman & Lee were retired for a 1-2-3 ninth inning. (www.wiggink.com/ben/grafiks/wickman.jpg)

CC's champagne bath (06/27/06) - Sabathia and Boob cement their fantasy legend status by breaking out the bubbly three months early after a 3-1 win over the St. Louis Cardinals. (www.wiggink.com/ben/grafiks/ccboobcelebrate.jpg)

Wickster's Double Play (09/13/05) - After throwing a block on Oakland's Dan Johnson and tumbling onto first base, the pride of Wisconsin-Whitewater recorded Cleveland's fifth double play of the game by athletically tagging Johnson on his way back to the bag.

There were the BAD times...

Bobzilla's Away Splits (08/23/07) - Your favorite UW-Wisconsin Warhawk's ERA on the road finally culminated in his demotion after Adam Dunn tagged him again, raising his away splits to a 7.71 ERA.

Slider's lack of respect (05/20/06) - Nearly coming to fisticuffs after Slider, the Indians mascot, stole Wickman's jersey number on Negro League throwback jersey night at the Jake.

And of course 08/24/07, the day I put John Schuerholz on my list of "people to kick in the nuts."

For Bones and Cihal
by: B (Team H.O.S. e R.) Aug 26 12:19pm 

Thanks for leaving so much talent on the waiver wire this week you fuckers. I hope you both lose 10-0.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: B (Team H.O.S. e R.) Aug 27 2:43pm 

Another all-time league record was set by Bones and Cihal. The duo combined for 49 roster moves (give or take a few due to me having to navigate three Web pages to count them all) last week. That total is more than six teams have made in this league all season. What skill.

I personally think there should be one of these * next to any record set last week and also would like to propose settings reform next season so that those who don't have the flexibility to add and drop with the whores of our league because they actually drafted a team they like aren't penalized as a result.

Two directions to go with this: 1) Put a cap on total waiver claims at 50 for the season, which should be more than enough to compensate for injuries or poor performing draft picks or 2) add two categories to pitching and hitting next year - (ER allowed, HR allowed, OBP, SLG). I prefer the latter to the former. When you take into consideration how Sol has boosted himself to the top and how Cihal always stays at the top, it's not exactly a reflection of how good their teams actually are. After 159 moves by Bones, or the 112 by Cihal, or the 111 by Ben, it's more a question who the hell is their team? Regardless, it is competitive and legal (for now), so by all means, continue to whore yourselves out.

I don't want to put a cap on waivers. I think everyone should be able to manage however they want, but with the default settings, the scale is tipped toward the sluts as there are no checks and balances in place to really make someone think out a move before they make it. Three teams have made 382 of the 712 total moves in this 12-team league. Bones has three of his originally drafted players left (Tulowitzki and Swisher don't count as they've been dropped and re-added in his 159 transactions). I don't know whether to be appalled or impressed that he's going to make the playoffs. I guess I'm a little of both, but it just doesn't seem quite right.

Am I the only hater in the house?

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 28 1:10am 

I have some hate. Personally, I am all for capping roster moves at 50. It creates a situation where a move has to have value for more than the rest of that day for it to be worthwhile. That said, this season it is all about the whores. Drop 'em if you got 'em boys.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: Bones (Sol's Sluggin' Sluts) Aug 28 3:31pm 

I don't disagree that the two records in question are easily manipulated with enough waiver moves...obviously. This past week, though, they were necessary and possibly playoff-life saving moves for me, so I hope nobody's waiting on an apology.
As for Brian's passive-aggressive, 'constructive' criticism-filled post...I'm just gonna let you vent. I played under the same rules as everybody else, and given the fact that my first yahoo draft was indeed a shitty one, my team today is better than the team I drafted. Sitting and watching a stale team get staler is not my idea of fun.
I don't know what everyone else enjoys about these leagues, but I know that the fun of it for me is looking at matchups, grabbin who's hot, droppin who's not, and lettin it play out. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but I enjoy the hell out of playin that way. Obviously not everyone does, but whining posts in week 22 about league settings are exactly the type of thing that takes fun out of it.
Change whatever settings anybody wants to change...limit roster moves, limit waiver claims, give the league a universal bedtime, whatever...everyone will be playing under the same rules anyway, just like this year.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: Earl (Sheeeeeet!) Aug 28 4:24pm 

If they want to take the effort to do that much to their team more power to them. Myself, I am loyal and stick with it, even if it is a losing battle. I would like to see other catagories in our scoring.

If the league allows it, why not? I can't hate on them for doing that even if I think it is cowardly or whatever others might think.

You play by the rules set forth and they did so. Good for them. Good luck in the playoffs.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: B (The Waiver Whiner) Aug 28 4:49pm 

I don't think it's cowardly. I just think the system is being beat and I would like to amend it for next year. I dont' think it takes a math wizard to figure out that if you start 10 more guys on offense or pitching by using a revolving door, you will win accumulation-based categories more often than you won't. Under the current settings, three are average-based. Seven are accumulation-based. You add the four I propose next year, and that gives you seven on seven and fits the managerial styles of both types of managers in this league. I noted it was legal to do what you do, never said anyone was doing anything wrong. But I was pissed when I wrote that message after looking for one goddamn start on Saturday night for Sunday and there were seven effing probables left - none with an ERA below 6. I must be crazy, 49 roster moves in one week between two people isn't a bit excessive. Sorry to ruin the league for you, Bones, but not sorry to call into question the practice and poll the league on whether things should be set up differently for next year, just like we did with football last year.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: luckeechief (El Caballo Vuelto™) Aug 28 7:35pm 

I see the "Slutsgate" argument from among the slutters. But obviously my slutting didn't help me out that much this year. Each year I've played fantasy baseball my number of roster moves decrease, but I still think like a waiver wire slut. For a pretty girl to call out the slutters is definitely not cowardly, just par for the course in my history of slutting.

But I'm open to suggestions for the direction of the league. Next year will be the third year together and, hopefully, we bring all 12 managers back. Each league evolves depending on the managers and I think it's time for the next step as a league to get away from the Yahoo! default categories.

This is BY FAR the most competitive league I've ever been in with the best smack talk. But I'm eighth in the standings and I'm ready to talk about next year!

McCann Mondays
by: luckeechief (El Caballo Vuelto™) Aug 28 7:43pm 

Brian McCann's first HR of the season was on a Monday. His only HR in May came on a Monday. His 16th home run of the season was hit Monday night. In 22 weeks, McCann has hit a HR on six of those Mondays.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: dtrumblee (Christ'sCurveballers) Aug 28 11:22pm 

They don't close down the casinos because a few of Council Bluffs' finest can't keep from blowing their rent there every month, so I say we shouldn't limit the waiver moves because a few Slutty McSkankersons can't keep their hands out of the waiver cookie jar for more than five seconds.
(Here's some material from my nightclub act).
Speaking of blowing, you guys have racked up more transactions this season than a four-armed hooker on half-off handy night.
Jesus, watching you guys work the waiver wire is like watching a drunk retard work a Rubik's Cube. And don't ask me if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Anyway, I like Brian's idea of more percentage- or average-based categories. I also like his idea that Sawyer and Kevin Mench should just come out of the closet so we can all celebrate their civil union in public.
And with that I'll crawl back in the hole I've been hiding in all season.

Re: Season Bests (week 21 update)
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 29 12:46am 

I did tear it up in wins and Ks, but that was a couple weeks ago. And without a revolving door mind you. I believe the season bests you are referring to are the slut based stats put up by Bones of 9 wins and 99 Ks.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 29 12:52am 

Just a couple of things...

1) Trumblee, where the hell have you been all season. Good to hear you are still alive and well.

2) One last thought on the waiver whoring. The prize for winning the league is bragging rights, and nothing else. If those bragging rights are questioned based on the way you manage your squad (even if it is technically within the rules) don't you basically undermine the 9 fucking months of work you put into managing your team?
Then again, maybe some of you want to beat off in front of a mirror with a copy of the completed playoff bracket next to you. Just my two cents.

3) Ben, I think you put it well, for a whore. We do need to make some adjustments but overall this league is a blast.a

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 29 1:18am 

"1) Trumblee, where the hell have you been all season. Good to hear you are still alive and well."

I concure. The first piece of league legislation we need to ratify is that Trumblee be required to post at least once a week.

"2) One last thought on the waiver whoring. The prize for winning the league is bragging rights, and nothing else."

We paid for fantasy football last year. Maybe we're paying this fall too. Shall we pay for a baseball prize next year? I'd be up for that.

"3) Ben, I think you put it well, for a whore."

It's been so long since you've talked dirty to me, Oz. Save some more of that for the draft this weekend, eh?

season bests
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Aug 29 1:20am 

I'll give Bones the asterisk when Barry gets one.

Re: Congratulations Bones
by: Earl (Sheeeeeet!) Aug 29 8:26am 

Trumblee, I want my bracket back.

Re: season bests
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 29 9:30am 

Barry will never get an asterisk. For one, never caught. For two, who else gets one? It is impossible to guage who all was using PEDs. In fact, a majority of players who have been caught since testing was instituted were pitchers. We know exactly who the whores are in this league, LOL!

Re: season bests
by: B (The Waiver Whiner) Aug 29 10:30am 

When Sol gets somebody going to jail to protect him, I think we should give him the Barry treatment. Then again, Sol doesn't exactly shy away from encounters with Bubba.

2008 PROPOSAL
by: Iceman (Dirty Sanchez) Aug 29 4:44pm 

Yahoo blows big time this year. I'm absolutely fed up with their mistakes and lack of knowledge when posting whether or not a player is going to play.

My proposal is to do away with Yahoo next year and use ESPN for this fantasy stuff. Ben and I were both in an ESPN league this year, of which they've done a great job of getting inside information regarding how a player is (physically) as well as how well they're doing that season and if they're going to be playing on a daily basis. Not to mention that it has a free stat tracker and some other goodies for weekly awards and stat keeping.

I've had enough shenanigans with my suck ass team throughout this Oz-like season and don't need Yahoo's help making sure that my team is out licking donkey balls as opposed to playing to win the game.

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 29 9:25pm 

Sawyer, there is no need to blame Yahoo! for your shit season. You win some, you lose some. You just happened to lose most of them. Just like the Cubs, you always have next year.

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: Iceman (Dirty Sanchez) Aug 30 9:40am 

Why am I not surprised that the first one (and maybe the only one) to respond to the post would be the "great and powerful" Oz on his power trip since he's finally going to make the playoffs in a fantasy league. I wouldn't get your hopes up too much there champ, 'cause it's gonna be an early exit for ya.

And all I can say for my position this year is that at least I had the balls to keep playing. I mean, I guess I could've taken your route like last year and quit checking my team after the All-Star break and then blamed it on everything else going on in my life that I couldn't take 10 minutes out of my WEEK to set my line up. Guess that DVR'd Maury episode was just more important at 9 PM.

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 30 10:56am 

Would somebody get Mr. Sawyer a tissue? The same stuff he wants to give me shit about from last year (the past for those confused like him) is exactly what he is doing now. I didn't quit checking, actually my teams performance was better at the end of the season last year.

As far as your obsession with my so called "power trip", when are you going to bust out your team name you ended with last year. The "Real League Champs" fits about as well this year as it did for you last. I am a little worried about your prediction because you know an awful lot about early exits.

And who the fuck watches Maury anymore?

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: Iceman (Dirty Sanchez) Aug 30 12:26pm 

Obviously Oz, there are more individuals frustrated with this league other than myself. And B, I'd be up for lookin' at some other leagues as well. Just threw ESPN out there 'cause of how they've worked this year. I'm sure that El Caballo would back me on that one as well.

And don't worry Oz, I've got plenty of tissues. Most of it I stole from your stock pile that you accumulated last year 'cause I had to wipe my team down after all the shit they kicked outta you. Gotta a little messy.

And what am I doing this year that you did last year? If you're talking about the cellar performance and the hopes that you'd miraculously make up 40 games in the last week to make the playoffs, then yes, you bet your ass that's what I'm doing! Just ask Bones. He's getting a healthy dose of Sawyer sauce so far this week.

When it comes to talking about how poorly my team has been this year, mind you, that it was you that I had my first win of the season and it was even before I got my paper champion offense. That should worry you more than any other prediction that I may have. Mark my words Oz-Nuts, when Trumblee shatters that dream of a championship that you have in the first week of the playoffs, I will be waiting here at the bottom for you. Waiting.....patiently............

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: Oz (Shooting for .500) Aug 30 1:13pm 

I am glad I could provide you with your only solace this year in the form of your first win. You seem to have forgotten the 8-2 cock slap you took the second time we played. That makes the season match up 10-8 in favor of me. Again, your "Sawyer Logic" makes you look like a fool who is grabbing at straws. Why don't you save yourself the embarrassment? You know that in a battle of wits against me you are unarmed.

***WOODMEN WATCH***
by: Bones (Sol's Sluggin' Sluts) Aug 31 4:27pm 

Hope you haven't discarded the paperwork yet Ben...I am putting into effect a full blown, five alarm Woodmen Watch...with Sawyer kindly escorting me to the top, penis firmly in butt. Monitor the situation closely this weekend, because if I am jolted from the playoffs due to a second-consective ass pounding by Sawyer, I see no other options than a tear-filled free fall from atop beautiful downtown Omaha.

splat.

Re: ***WOODMEN WATCH***
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Sep 2 3:51am 

I haven't lost the paperwork, it's just gotten very cluttered around the office here lately. I'll tell Boob Wickman to clean things up and find the paperwork as he is my cleaning lady until he gets a job with a team.

It looks like you'll be okay as long as you hang onto three categories.

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Sep 2 4:06am 

I will back Sawyer up on the ESPN fantasy baseball league. I haven't used it every day (like I have with Yahoo!), but I am starting to migrate all of my leagues to ESPN's fantasy system. The main perk is the free Stat Tracker. There are also other little things like the daily roster deadlines/switches, ownership of a player in other public leagues and team logos.

Yahoo! has a 2 a.m. roster switch, but with ESPN you can add somebody at 2:30 p.m. for a 3 p.m. game. Yahoo! experts will tell you in their columns if Nook Logan is 30-percent owned in Yahoo! public leagues, but you can't go and find that information for yourself on any other player. Yahoo! has offered some other new things this year, but they're just copying ESPN.

I'd probably stay with Yahoo! if they'd copy ESPN's free live scoring. There might be some Yahoo! features I'd miss, but I wouldn't know without actually giving Yahoo! up cold turkey. I still hate ESPN's main site because of all the extra ads, videos and flash-based nonsense that slows my shitty computers down. ESPN also has some commentaries that are for ESPN Insiders (which I'm not) that would make you pay money to read. I'd laugh if Yahoo! ever charged me a fee to read Brandon Funston.

I'm still more comfortable with Yahoo. But once I'm in my ESPN league's home page, it's just like I'm navigating around our league here with Yahoo! I'm willing to test drive ESPN fantasy hockey and basketball before making a final decision on where to host my two leagues as commish.

.317
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Sep 2 4:10am 

Russ' .317 winning percentage (as it was going into the final week) would be the lowest win % I've seen in a non-public league since 2005 when there was a .364 winning percentage posted in the Premier League.

Re: 2008 PROPOSAL
by: B (The Waiver Whiner) Sep 2 11:24am 

Funston should pay me not to kill him. Or someone should pay me to kill him.

You're welcome, Dan!!
by: maltlickas (Draft Dodgers) Sep 3 10:09pm 

Dan, you are welcome for the playoff spot. As ususal, I outsmarted myself by adding an extra pitcher for the last day in an attempt to hold of Dave. Of course, that move cost me the WHIP category for the week, thus putting me a 1/2 game behind you and out of the playoffs. May you run the table at my expense.

Squeaker Central
by: B (Let it Ride) Sep 16 9:04pm 

Oz and Dave, awesome job hanging on in both of your matchups. Don't think that Sunday was fun to sit through for any party involved, and I think Oz was best off since he did not purchase statracker. I ruined Bones' ignorance by texting him while at work.

The key category was saves in Oz and my matchup, and I lost that column only six of 19 times this season. I twice thought I had it sealed this weekend, but I could never have imagined taking getting bounced this well. For how far I was down going into the weekend, I turned out one move short of making a return to a dance with Cihal. And for those watching Bones and Cihal's WHIP and steals categories Sunday, it was even more closely contested than Oz and mine.

For the finals, we have a chance at a repeat for Cubby Chubby, and the potential worst-to-first story of the ironically named Shooting for .500. As far as fantasy playoffs go, that last round was every bit as dramatic as any LCS in real baseball for both matchups, and I hope the "World Series" is every bit as exciting. Looking at the matchup, I would expect it to be.

In both the first- and third-place matchups, we have the two different belief systems of fantasy ball squaring off. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Good luck.

.500 batting .244
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Sep 23 1:11am 

Where's Chuck Norris when you need him? Oz is hitting only .244 this week and Cihal has zero stolen bases. With every pitching category still wide open, it looks like the only hitting categories to be locked up so far are HRs and RBIs as Cihal has three times as many HRs and twice as many RBIs. Oz currently has the tiebreaker in ERA and 14+ more innings in the book.

Wizardry of Oz
by: luckeechief (El Caballo™) Oct 2 12:37am 

All hail your 2007 League of Shadows champion, Oz. His wizardry in the playoffs had Cihal saying "we're not in Counciltucky any more."

The LoS Website has been updated for historical purposes! Check it out for all the goodies.