Thus speaketh the Lord...
Aaron Sawyer	Posted: Feb 13, 7:50 AM      6 Replies
Wu Tang Darkhorse	DEUTERONOMY 7:23-24 "But the LORD thy God shall deliver them unto the Darkhorse, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed completely. And he shall deliver their kings into thine hand, and thou shalt destroy their name from under heaven: there shall no man be able to stand before thee, until the Darkhorse hath destroyed them."

In Association with Mansion Productions......
Aaron Sawyer	Posted: Feb 14, 2:37 PM      3 Replies
Wu Tang Darkhorse	We are proud to announce our new record label designed as an anti-Ayers campaign this season to bring him back down from his previous success against us (of which he can't seem to put his money where his mouth is this year with the shut out talk). We are excited about the opportunities that exist this year to re-establish ourselves within the fantasy realms with our new division following the debacle of the previous baseball and football seasons. We will be keeping it strong all season, starting with whatever chump jumps in this league at the #2 team spot. Without further adieu:

Re: Random Draft Thoughts
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 17, 7:17 PM
The Fissuremen Cl...	....and if you do happen to have the occasional pain in the ass caused by "vigorous stretching of the anal canal" there's a place for your anally raped on Andre Dawson's Creek's roster. Like the military, we don't ask so long as you don't tell. More about anal fissures (editor's notes appear in parenthesis): A fissure may develop if you are constipated and try to pass a large, hard stool (of the air turd variety); if you don't relax your anal muscles (sphincter muscles) during a bowel movement; or sometimes after repeated diarrhea (easy on the corn beef and cabbage today, team). Many experts believe the most common cause is excessive tension in the two muscular rings (sphincters) controlling the anus. The external anal sphincter is under your conscious control (pay attention, Kaz). However, the internal anal sphincter is not under your control (especially when a muscle-bound Dominican imposes his will on his new teammate). This muscle remains under pressure, or tension, all of the time. A fissure may develop if the internal sphincter's resting pressure becomes too high, causing spasm and reducing blood flow to the anus. Trauma also can cause fissures. During childbirth, 11% of women develop anal fissures. Fissures can also be caused by digital insertion (not as bad as it sounds really), foreign body insertion or anal intercourse (I'm looking for more pitching this year, everyone knows my stance on catchers in fantasy baseball). So, when Kaz's ass looks like the below photo, we're back in business. Oh yeah, if I ever go through an all-day draft like that again, I wish inoperable anal fissures on all parties involved, too.

Re: Random Draft Thoughts
Dan Trumblee	Posted: Mar 18, 9:35 PM
Clemens' Empty Ba...	Nice to see Ayers come through with the first Hall of Fame message board post of the season. Having gone through my first 4.5-hour draft, I can safely say I'd rather masturbate with a fistful of broken glass than ever do that again. What does it say on Kaz' news and notes by the way, "15-day DL: Broken Asshole"? I'll wrap it by saying to Brian, I think given your player's problematic pooper, you should consider the a new team name: The Fissuremen.

Anyone getting trade offers yet?
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 25, 1:17 AM      2 Replies
The Fissuremen Cl...	Found this article in my inbox and thought I'd share it with the league....I'm still waiting for an article from this guy on negotiating with Oz, but for those of you who are interested in getting deals done this year, don't do any of this stuff and we'll probably get something done: Trade Fouls (or How To Not Improve Your Team) by Geoffrey Stein The 2008 Major League Baseball season is less than two days away and the mock drafting and drafting season are packed, wrapped and awaiting a bow. Next up in the six-month journey we call fantasy baseball is managing season; more specifically, it`s time to trade! As fun as making a swap sounds, it can also be one of the more frustrating, angering and time wasting parts of the game. In order to stay sane during this time, it`s suggested one avoid the following trade fouls that often times occur in leagues. A good number of players are what I like to call hyperactive managers -- it`s impossible for them to not tweak their roster. Often times, the hyperactive manager makes the mistake of making a trade for nothing more than the sake of making a trade. This foul is most evident in the days after the draft and the first month of the season. Instead of trusting his drafting skills and being happy with the roster he put together, hyperactive manager is proposing and making trades like he gets an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas every time a leaguemate clicks the accept button. The thing is, each trade that is processed is a lateral move at best -- the player(s) coming to hyperactive manager`s squad may fill a hole, but only at the expense of creating a hole with the player(s) leaving the roster.
Cont'd.
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 25, 1:17 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	Often times the hyperactive manager breaks one of the most important rules of trading etiquette: not looking at the draft results before firing off his latest offer. Maybe I`m too proud, but even if I have a perceived hole on my roster, I`m not going to give up my third-round pick for your sixth-round pick to fill that need, especially a week or two after the draft. Talk to me in six weeks when I`ll have a better idea of where my team stands. The most common and annoying offer to receive is the three spare parts for one superstar trade. Sure, that threesome currently on your bench has combined to score more points than my superstar, but here`s the thing: they`d sit on my bench as well because they`re no better than my current starters. Nobody in their right mind is going to accept David DeJesus, Raul Ibanez and Adam LaRoche in exchange for Prince Fielder; yet hundreds of similar offers were just sent in the time it took you to read the mock Chevette, El Camino and Pinto for BMW Roadster swap listed above. Remember folks, 12 wheels aren`t always better than four. In theory, a trade is supposed to benefit both parties, but deals that appear equal aren`t always helpful to both sides. If one is to offer a fair swap they should first do homework on the squad they wish to make a deal with and check two things: that team`s roster and its spot in the standings. Sure, Jose Reyes for Johan Santana seems like an even deal, but it doesn`t make any sense for the team that has Santana to acquire Reyes if they`re set at the shortstop position. The same holds true for categories. No team that is already doing well in the runs and steals department is going to give up one of the game`s best pitchers to gain a few points in two offensive categories -- especially when a low ceiling doesn`t leave a lot of room to improve.
final graph
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 25, 1:17 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	There is nothing more exciting in fantasy sports than going to your team`s homepage and seeing an awaiting trade offer. On the flip side, there is nothing more depressing than opening that offer and seeing one of the five draft fouls listed. For the good of everyone involved, let`s make this a foul-free managing season.

In the interest of fairness...
Ryan McCoy	Posted: Mar 24, 8:33 PM      3 Replies
Sol's Hardbodies	I am officially requesting that the Fissureman immediately and permanently remove the photo of that delicious, mouth-watering anus from all league pages so that Sol can start to get some goddamn work done around here.
Re: In the interest of fairness...
Ben Schroeder	Posted: Mar 24, 10:11 PM
El Caballo™	If we do that, then we have to remove Albert Poo Holes from the player universe and where does it stop?
Re: In the interest of fairness...
Dan Trumblee	Posted: Mar 26, 9:20 AM
Clemens' Empty Ba...	I had some mouth-watering anus at Outback Steakhouse last night.

League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 26, 10:37 PM      9 Replies
The Fissuremen Cl...	Thought this might be a good thread to start for a season-long series of the press releases that the League of Shadows has been known for over its now three-year history. I'd first like to thank President George W. Bush and the Patriot Act for making this thread possible. Heard any good league rumors this season? Send me your stuff (or better yet, post it yourself), whether it be e-mails from leaguemates that they didn't know would be made public, trade talks, happenings at the Mansion, Sawyer's Top 5, anything Kevin Mench- or Derrick Turnbow-related or Ayers' latest PMS-filled tirade about his team or someone else's and we'll somehow come up with an analogy about the players/managers involved that relates to buttsex or asparagus piss. Business as usual.
Trade Talks between Da BOMB Squad, Let's Start THE RIOT detonate after indecent proposal
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 27, 12:03 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	PAPILLION FACILITY, InfoUSA -- League of Shadows managers Curt Johnson (Da BOMB Squad) and Ben  (Let's Start THE RIOT) were hard at work in Little India Wednesday until a production-halting e-mail trade negotiation that was leaked to the League of Shadows media concluded with a difference in opinions regarding the two cheating Cardinals and lazy Cub involved. Here are the contents of the conversation between the two newcomers to the LoS:  to Johnson, 12:45 p.m.: Average Draft Position: Troy Glaus: 183.5 Rick Ankiel: 179.2 Both players are owned in 100.0% of ESPN leagues. As it stands, if the Royals aren't playing, you have a dead spot on your roster. This trade will increase the utility of Alex Gordon for you, so he can fill the 1B/3B or UTIL spots, instead of being a permanent fixture at your 3B slot. Additionally, you have five outfielders and a DH. This is going to cause your bench guys to be less productive, since you have some elite outfielders that won't ever give up their spot if they're playing (Manny/Kemp). For my team, Glaus will not start very often since I have two elite third basemen (Cabrera/Ramirez). He'll only play when one of them is sitting. Keep in mind that while Glaus' offensive numbers are solid (73/31/77), he still gets a lot of his value from the fact that he starts at 3B. The minor differences in their offensive numbers will be more than made up with the extra starts you'll have. Keep in mind that slightly higher offensive numbers are expected from outfielders anyway. Glaus is a safe pickup. Ankiel kind of has a risk/reward factor to him, even though we both think that he'll put up good numbers.
Page 2
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 27, 12:13 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	I drafted Glaus in the 17th round. You drafted Ankiel in the 15th round. The reason we drafted a third 3B at this point is because he had the best offensive numbers by far of anyone else on the board at that time, and we knew that there would probably be a few teams that needed a good third baseman (there are 2-3). Of those teams, however, I think that this is probably the best option for both of us. I'd imagine that with five outfielders and a DH, you'll probably wind up dropping someone by midseason if you keep all of them, because a few of them just won't ever play. Even if this trade does happen, you might want to think about getting rid of someone to pick up some middle infield help (ideally someone that starts at 2B *and* SS like THE RIOT!). Let me know what you think, but I'd be kind of surprised if you didn't decide that this trade would ultimately help both of us. Johnson to Swizzle, 1:57 p.m. (Hire a Janice to get your messages to you quicker, damn!): I'd do Ankiel for Ramirez...You still have an ELITE 3B. + be getting an above avg OF w/ POWER!! Glaus gets hurt too much... Swizzle to Johnson, 2:15 p.m.: You'd trade your 15th pick for my 3rd pick? Would you really? I'm less excited about trading A-Ram, but everyone on my team is always for trade. If you'd like to make a serious offer for A-Ram, we're going to have to move into a different caliber of players. Honestly, just kind of briefly glancing at your team, I don't really see a fair trade for A-Ram that wouldn't really screw up your team. That being said, I'm always more than happy to review any trade offers that are sent to me.
Post-trade commentary
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 27, 12:28 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	Neither manager was impressed with the other manager's offer at the end of the day. "Some people just can't be reasoned with," Swizzle said after banking on a deal being completed before nap time at the Papillion facilty. "Glaus' numbers against NL competition are outstanding, and he's playing on grass every day instead of smoking it. Too bad Johnson hasn't stopped rockin' the ganja because I sent him a very respectable offer." Johnson, playing the "I know you've got to drop one of these guys eventually" card, was able to resist Swizzle's door-to-door salesman hook that concluded his initial offer and instead countered with a request for I-Ram-Ass Ramirez (nickname courtesy of Roast Beef Curtain Call in the Chicks Dig the Long Ball League). "First of all, I like Ankiel's HGH upside," Johnson said. "I don't fear a suspension. So the way I saw it, the only way I was going to give up a player that goes to that length to improve himself was to acquire an injury-prone, temperamental, no-hustle defensive liability, which seems to run rampant in baseball players named Ramirez who are older than 30." Perhaps the most valid point was made by the person who leaked the e-mail to the LoS Associated Press. "Both managers should be fined for even talking about swapping a Cardinal for a Cub," said the unnamed league insider. "That's like inviting Hitler to a bar mitzvah." While this trade didn't get done, Johnson did work out a deal with Darkhorse manager Aaron Sawyer to complete the first trade of the season. Jeremy Hermida was shipped over to Da Bomb Squad in return for Justin Upton. "I'm a little disappointed the first trade of the year wasn't more of a blockbuster deal," Ayers said. "But who knows, maybe it will be if either of the hype darlings involved in the first trade of the season actually breaks out this year. I have a feeling one person will be the greatly rewarded and the other will be feeling worse than Kaz Matsui by season's end."

Re: League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Ben Schroeder	Posted: Mar 27, 1:21 AM
El Caballo™	What a great way to turn futile trade queries (your India word of the day) into a message board campaign! I only had Glaus whatever year he developed glaucoma in his eye(s), hence Ayers' left-handed cigarette ref. I think Swizzle was on the right track by maximizing his roster starts. The rest of this message would do nothing to help that cause for Ben or Curt. If you want A-Ram's stats, but not at the third-round pick value, at the 3B spot or the ram-ass part (pardon me Sol), allow me to recommend mystery Player B. 2007 A-Ram (drafted in 3rd round) 506 ABs, .310 avg, 72 runs, 26 HRs, 101 RBIs, 0 SBs. 2006 A-Ram 594 ABs, .291 avg, 93 runs, 38 HRs, 119 RBIs, 2 SBs. 2007 Player B (drafted in the 11th round) 573 ABs, .291 avg, 80 runs, 21 HRs, 105 RBIs, 0 SBs. 2006 Player B 626 ABs, .289 avg, 103 runs, 33 HRs, 123 RBIs, 2 SBs. Most of you already know who Player B is. Your other hints are: he's a former Royal, a guitar manufacturer's brand and shares a birthday with Neifi Perez.
Re: League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 27, 1:50 AM
The Fissuremen Cl...	I'm not giving away the answer to Ben's trivia question, but I had a reaction like the Buffoon from Adam Sandler's "They're All Gonna Laugh at You" album when I found out who it was....."It blew my fucking mind!" Coincidentally, that quote from the Buffoon was in reaction to him looking at his asshole in the mirror....and speaking of assholes, which I've been doing a lot of lately, there is yet another Asian in MLB that is having problems with his ass. Takashi Saito could miss time early this season due to "tightness in his buttocks." Could it be more "Tejada special" karma tossed in Oz's direction for drafting a Dodger when he's a Giants fan? Time to invest in a new logo/team name, Oz.
Re: League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Curt Johnson	Posted: Mar 27, 6:08 AM
Da BOMB Squad	How in the H3LL did you get this? Im beggining to see that there is NO privacy in this league. Swizzle, did you give this to Ayers? Post edited: Mar 27, 6:08 AM by Curt Johnson
Re: League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Nick Osborne	Posted: Mar 27, 9:18 AM
Shooting for .500...	Privacy is a concept with which this league is not familiar. Anything you say, do or send in e-mail can and will be used against you in this forum. Ayers...the tightness is from resisting Kent's advances. Saito thought he could foil Kent's advances by clenching really hard. Good news is Kent found another target when he mistook Scott Proctor for a "proctologist" and got excited. Bad news is Saito's kung fu was too strong, and his Buns of Steel technique caused some minor butt cheek trauma. He will be alright. As far as my drafting of a Dodger...I had to take 3 showers that night and I still felt dirty. I don't know how LA fans can live with themselves.
Re: League of Shadows Insider Scoops
Ben Swizzle	Posted: Mar 27, 4:44 PM
Lets start THE R...	In my defense, this chain of emails was anything but "production-halting." It is well documented that I can type with my left hand and get plenty done with my right hand. Wait, that didn't come out exactly right. Whatever, it's a moot point anyway. I only pointed out the absurdity of the Ankiel for 'I-Ram-Ass' trade. The only person I forwarded this email to was the co-manager of my team, who wouldn't dare divulge our secrets, because he knows I'd have him on a bus to Idaho to peel potatoes for the rest of his life by the end of the week if he did. The Riot's damage control team is in full-swing. We can figure out who's responsible for this by following the chain of emails to the guilty party. Who all did you send this email to Curt?
Fissuremen hit Omaha airwaves
Brian Ayers	Posted: Mar 27, 7:29 PM
The Fissuremen Cl...	Gents, Mike'l Severe today read the Web MD report on anal fissures on the air as he caught wind of the Kaz Matsui injury that we've known about for quite some time thanks to DMC. I cannot thank him enough for the mileage we've got out of that report. I'd also like to thank Oz for calling me during business hours for emergencies like these, so I could tune in and fire an e-mail to Mike'l just before they went off the air and also shortly before I punched out after milk and cookies break at LKL today. Nor can I thank Trumblee enough for the brilliant re-naming of my team, and Sol and Sawyer for their reactions to the .jpeg, or Takashi Saito for being another Asian baseballer with an ass problem to keep this story alive. I shared with Mike'l a quick story about the joy Kaz and his pet gerbil have brought to the LoS, and he read it on the air. If you go to 1620.com and click on the podcast titled "Mike'l Closes Out the Show" on the right-hand side of the home page, you can catch it...it's almost immediately after the commercial break the podcast begins with. He butchers it, failing to pronounce the "RAH" in GodziRAH and poor narration in general (and I hurt myself, too, by including a few words not tame enough for AM radio as he skipped over them, furthermore damaging the understandability of the report). This could be the ceiling for The Fissuremen this season, so I need to soak up all of these 15 seconds before the real season starts. Editor's note: Clip is available on Google video courtesy of the El Caballo Research Dept.

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